I haven’t heard from you since my last scary e-mail (a friend of mine said I came across as too psycho), so I thought I’d holla.
I’d love to write something comical and entertaining here, but my brain is numb with ennui from the complete and utter lack of work we have right now. Another day in paradise.
So, instead of holding forth on some obscure, yet amusing, topic, I’ll invite you to tell me about you. How do you like being 32? Have you stumbled into any unexpected maturity? How inopportune to become encumbered by maturity just when you’re old enough to start enjoying yourself.
I remember when I was 32 at the end of the 20th century. Wait … no I don’t. I was drinking pretty heavily in those days. I remember a blur of proposals to fast-food restaurant chains, doing work for a major soft-drink company in Atlanta and an all-around sense of job security that seems to be lacking now.
How’s California these days? Are you near the fires? What’s the worst thing you’ve seen today? The best? If you were a kitchen appliance, which one would you be?
… Sounds like your date was more disastrous than my last date. On mine, after 45 minutes she said she had to go get something to eat, but, “good luck in the future.” That means I’m not going to see her again, right? At least there was no vomiting involved.
Ahh … where do I work, you ask? I’m in the struggling Atlanta office of an agency based in St. Louis. It’s not quite advertising, not quite PR, not quite a production company, but has elements of all of the above. We produce large meetings which may include video, live entertainment and the like. We also produce Mobile Marketing programs.
I’ve been in this job for two years. Before this, I was an Associate Creative Director for a similar company. I was there for seven years before they downsized and, ultimately, closed the office.
How about you? Have you recently gone from freelance to a staff position? That would explain your new regimen. What do they have you writing?
… I believe I already expressed our curious lack of work at the office. I spent my day working on a poem and eating an apple. Hard to say which one was more invigorating.
Wednesday, October 5, 2005
Monday, September 26, 2005
What I Do for a Living
Hard to pin down really. No, I don’t “do advertising,” and, nope, I don’t “still work at that TV station.” What I do is sell dreams. Well, not really dreams. More like snake oil. We make crap up and put a hefty price tag on it. We’re not “Creative Directors” — we’re poseurs and charlatans. Much like the spiritualists of the 1800s. We haven’t progressed in the past 120 years.
If Brand Communications had existed in the 1800s, it would have been a bunch of Victorians letting the “spirits” speak about “marketing and communications challenges.” What I do for a living would have sounded like this:
____________
Medium:
Spirits … do you hear me?
Spirit:
We listened to what you asked and offer a unique communications solution designed specifically to suit your needs.
Medium:
Tell us … is there existence beyond this life?
Spirit:
As you know, we have over 4,000 years experience in successfully addressing challenges such as yours for mediums, magi and priests worldwide. We look forward to applying this expertise to your question in a fun, engaging and exciting way.
Medium:
Tell us … what it is like beyond?
Spirit:
In considering your question, we would like to suggest the theme: “Dead to Rights.” “Dead to Rights” represents an experiential program that allows your target audience to “live” through death firsthand.
The first thing your audience will experience is a total cessation of all biological functions. This, after a brief registration process during which each guest — or “ghost” if you will — is issued a harp and pair of sleek, aerodynamic wings with a lift capacity of up to 350 pounds, will allow their life-force access to the venue.
Each guest will follow a long tunnel while experiencing a sense of great euphoria. Guests will walk toward a light directing them toward a divine ballroom set in crescent rounds — a nod to your Moslem attendees — and dominated by a stage set with a giant RP screen and a burning bush. A hazer simulates clouds, creating an environment that reinforces the message that the attendees have risen above the concerns of their mortal existence.
The opening general session begins with a module in which each attendee’s life flashes before his eyes. This is followed by a VOG introduction and opening remarks by St. Peter.
The program also includes a financial report by Charon, the ferryman of the dead, with an accounting of coins collected for passage across the river Styx and a lengthy PowerPoint presentation on prophet and loss; legal information delivered by Daniel Webster and a brief marketing message from Jesus Christ.
After the general session, attendees will attend breakout sessions grouped by religion (Atheists may help themselves to coffee in the pre-function area), followed by a lunch of soul food which will be delivered.
After lunch, attendees reconvene in the ballroom, which has been reconfigured in classroom-style seating. This session includes a training workshop which educates and informs attendees on the roles and responsibilities of being deceased. As the session ends, the attendees exit to the haunting melody of Mozart’s Requiem en masse.
After this second general session, guests are given free time during which they are encouraged to explore the venue, manifest as apparitions before the living or walk the earth in unrest.
When free time has ended, attendees are invited to attend the formal awards banquet. The menu will consist of loaves, fishes and Sacrificial Lamb, and an open bar will provide a choice of Ambrosia or the Blood of Christ. A variety of desserts will be offered including Angel Food Cake and Death by Chocolate.
During the awards ceremony, the heavenly host will begin by awarding special halos to those who have risen above and beyond, then he will name the New Messiah and will end with the special “Bless Your Heart” award.
Following the awards, the evening entertainment begins as the Heavenly Choir performs a medley of hymns and guests are invited to the dance floor to shuffle off their mortal coils. As the evening draws to a close, the Almighty will offer some final remarks leading, finally, to his call to inaction.
Attendees then exit to experience an eternity of bliss.
An alternate theme you might consider is “Well … I’ll Be Damned.” I can flesh out the creative at your request.
Medium:
At what cost may we attain this life after life?
Spirit:
The cost is your mortal soul.
Medium:
O! Spirit … we thank you for your words from the other side. We like your creative, but the cost is too high. We must review other bids. Farewell, O Spirit, farewell!
If Brand Communications had existed in the 1800s, it would have been a bunch of Victorians letting the “spirits” speak about “marketing and communications challenges.” What I do for a living would have sounded like this:
____________
Medium:
Spirits … do you hear me?
Spirit:
We listened to what you asked and offer a unique communications solution designed specifically to suit your needs.
Medium:
Tell us … is there existence beyond this life?
Spirit:
As you know, we have over 4,000 years experience in successfully addressing challenges such as yours for mediums, magi and priests worldwide. We look forward to applying this expertise to your question in a fun, engaging and exciting way.
Medium:
Tell us … what it is like beyond?
Spirit:
In considering your question, we would like to suggest the theme: “Dead to Rights.” “Dead to Rights” represents an experiential program that allows your target audience to “live” through death firsthand.
The first thing your audience will experience is a total cessation of all biological functions. This, after a brief registration process during which each guest — or “ghost” if you will — is issued a harp and pair of sleek, aerodynamic wings with a lift capacity of up to 350 pounds, will allow their life-force access to the venue.
Each guest will follow a long tunnel while experiencing a sense of great euphoria. Guests will walk toward a light directing them toward a divine ballroom set in crescent rounds — a nod to your Moslem attendees — and dominated by a stage set with a giant RP screen and a burning bush. A hazer simulates clouds, creating an environment that reinforces the message that the attendees have risen above the concerns of their mortal existence.
The opening general session begins with a module in which each attendee’s life flashes before his eyes. This is followed by a VOG introduction and opening remarks by St. Peter.
The program also includes a financial report by Charon, the ferryman of the dead, with an accounting of coins collected for passage across the river Styx and a lengthy PowerPoint presentation on prophet and loss; legal information delivered by Daniel Webster and a brief marketing message from Jesus Christ.
After the general session, attendees will attend breakout sessions grouped by religion (Atheists may help themselves to coffee in the pre-function area), followed by a lunch of soul food which will be delivered.
After lunch, attendees reconvene in the ballroom, which has been reconfigured in classroom-style seating. This session includes a training workshop which educates and informs attendees on the roles and responsibilities of being deceased. As the session ends, the attendees exit to the haunting melody of Mozart’s Requiem en masse.
After this second general session, guests are given free time during which they are encouraged to explore the venue, manifest as apparitions before the living or walk the earth in unrest.
When free time has ended, attendees are invited to attend the formal awards banquet. The menu will consist of loaves, fishes and Sacrificial Lamb, and an open bar will provide a choice of Ambrosia or the Blood of Christ. A variety of desserts will be offered including Angel Food Cake and Death by Chocolate.
During the awards ceremony, the heavenly host will begin by awarding special halos to those who have risen above and beyond, then he will name the New Messiah and will end with the special “Bless Your Heart” award.
Following the awards, the evening entertainment begins as the Heavenly Choir performs a medley of hymns and guests are invited to the dance floor to shuffle off their mortal coils. As the evening draws to a close, the Almighty will offer some final remarks leading, finally, to his call to inaction.
Attendees then exit to experience an eternity of bliss.
An alternate theme you might consider is “Well … I’ll Be Damned.” I can flesh out the creative at your request.
Medium:
At what cost may we attain this life after life?
Spirit:
The cost is your mortal soul.
Medium:
O! Spirit … we thank you for your words from the other side. We like your creative, but the cost is too high. We must review other bids. Farewell, O Spirit, farewell!
Monday, July 25, 2005
Correspondence: Summer, 2005
… 15, my oldest niece is too old to enjoy that modest pleasure. We were inseparable when she was little, but now she doesn’t have much time for me. She was a willful little girl, but now I would swear she was the spawn of Satan. I don’t know how to relate to a teen-age female.
I don’t know why she had six. It seems imprudent. I sort of lost interest after the first four or five. (Maybe not four, because four and five were twins.) And I do have trouble remembering names. I told my niece (12 year old) that from now on, I’m just going to start each sentence to the kids with, “Why, you little ...”
____________
Sullen?! Just you wait. It gets worse.
Only my oldest two niece/nephews have begun the puberty thing, though the 12-year-old is wearing a training bra. I don’t know how one would train for something one’s body already knows how to do with no help at all, but I guess it’s one of those female mysteries that I am not privy to yet. I still run across one I haven’t heard about before, now and then.
My nephew (14) has a little peach fuzz mustache and his voice is changing. You can’t help but laugh at him.
I go and play with the kids now and then, but I don’t have the stamina I used to. I don’t know whose idea it was for me to fight all six kids from youngest to oldest, but that one hurt. I can still beat them one-on-one, but if they team up, I’m a goner. I swear they coordinate their attacks with clicks and whistles like some band of aboriginal hunters, and I founder like some luckless mammoth.
I don’t know why she had six. It seems imprudent. I sort of lost interest after the first four or five. (Maybe not four, because four and five were twins.) And I do have trouble remembering names. I told my niece (12 year old) that from now on, I’m just going to start each sentence to the kids with, “Why, you little ...”
____________
Sullen?! Just you wait. It gets worse.
Only my oldest two niece/nephews have begun the puberty thing, though the 12-year-old is wearing a training bra. I don’t know how one would train for something one’s body already knows how to do with no help at all, but I guess it’s one of those female mysteries that I am not privy to yet. I still run across one I haven’t heard about before, now and then.
My nephew (14) has a little peach fuzz mustache and his voice is changing. You can’t help but laugh at him.
I go and play with the kids now and then, but I don’t have the stamina I used to. I don’t know whose idea it was for me to fight all six kids from youngest to oldest, but that one hurt. I can still beat them one-on-one, but if they team up, I’m a goner. I swear they coordinate their attacks with clicks and whistles like some band of aboriginal hunters, and I founder like some luckless mammoth.
Thursday, July 7, 2005
Bob: A Profile
About Me
I enjoy smarties with nice gams, long drives in the breezer and getting bent on bootleg hooch. I’m a heeler, but I still enjoy a night with a Jane at the juice joint if I’ve got the jack. On my next vacation, I am going to the ’20s. Voh-doh-doh-dee-oh-doh.
General
What do I do in my spare time? I like to spend time hanging out with friends being raucous and unruly. I like to write amusing doggerel. I engage in the occasional art project. I sit in bars and talk to folks on the weekend. ... I know the words to stupid songs. I play the harmonica badly. I speak in Muppet and cartoon voices to my cats and they don’t think I’m weird. ... I once would have said I read a great deal, but now I seem to spend a lot of time surfing the Internet and e-mailing people. ... I would love to learn to paint. Sometimes I wish I could sing. I wish I could Charleston or swing dance. Someday I might write the great American novel. ... I’ve always wanted to be voice talent for a cartoon, but now that I’m in a career where that could actually happen, I’m scared to give it a try. ... When I win the lottery, I’m going to build a Victorian house and have people over.
Occupation
Marketing/Communications. I sold out to the Man.
Music
I thrill to the swingin’ sounds of the ’20s.
Movies
I enjoy Harold Lloyd, Buster Keaton, Charlie Chaplin and the like. You don’t see many like them at the flickers these days.
Television
I’m not a devoted TV watcher, but I enjoy SciFi Channel; TVLand; History Channel; Discovery; TLC; Star Trek. The Simpsons makes me titter like a school girl.
Last Great Book I Read
I haven’t read any great books lately. I’ve read a few good ones and a few that failed to gratify my literary yearnings. I enjoyed “K-PAX” by Gene Brewer and “Zod Wallop” by William Browning Spencer for leisure reading. In a more serious mood, I’ll pick up anything by Umberto Eco. Anything that isn’t a proposal or script for a fast food company is always a welcome read.
Heroes
Kermit the Frog and, to a lesser extent, Bugs Bunny. You can imagine my inner turmoil (of course you know, this means war.)
Most Humbling Moment
An American bald eagle, the proud symbol of our great nation, once took a dump on my shoe. I’ve got pictures.
Who I’d Like to Meet
You, if you’re in black and white. And preferably silent.
Best or Worst Lie I’ve Ever Told
I’m in marketing. I don’t lie. I embellish.
I enjoy smarties with nice gams, long drives in the breezer and getting bent on bootleg hooch. I’m a heeler, but I still enjoy a night with a Jane at the juice joint if I’ve got the jack. On my next vacation, I am going to the ’20s. Voh-doh-doh-dee-oh-doh.
General
What do I do in my spare time? I like to spend time hanging out with friends being raucous and unruly. I like to write amusing doggerel. I engage in the occasional art project. I sit in bars and talk to folks on the weekend. ... I know the words to stupid songs. I play the harmonica badly. I speak in Muppet and cartoon voices to my cats and they don’t think I’m weird. ... I once would have said I read a great deal, but now I seem to spend a lot of time surfing the Internet and e-mailing people. ... I would love to learn to paint. Sometimes I wish I could sing. I wish I could Charleston or swing dance. Someday I might write the great American novel. ... I’ve always wanted to be voice talent for a cartoon, but now that I’m in a career where that could actually happen, I’m scared to give it a try. ... When I win the lottery, I’m going to build a Victorian house and have people over.
Occupation
Marketing/Communications. I sold out to the Man.
Music
I thrill to the swingin’ sounds of the ’20s.
Movies
I enjoy Harold Lloyd, Buster Keaton, Charlie Chaplin and the like. You don’t see many like them at the flickers these days.
Television
I’m not a devoted TV watcher, but I enjoy SciFi Channel; TVLand; History Channel; Discovery; TLC; Star Trek. The Simpsons makes me titter like a school girl.
Last Great Book I Read
I haven’t read any great books lately. I’ve read a few good ones and a few that failed to gratify my literary yearnings. I enjoyed “K-PAX” by Gene Brewer and “Zod Wallop” by William Browning Spencer for leisure reading. In a more serious mood, I’ll pick up anything by Umberto Eco. Anything that isn’t a proposal or script for a fast food company is always a welcome read.
Heroes
Kermit the Frog and, to a lesser extent, Bugs Bunny. You can imagine my inner turmoil (of course you know, this means war.)
Most Humbling Moment
An American bald eagle, the proud symbol of our great nation, once took a dump on my shoe. I’ve got pictures.
Who I’d Like to Meet
You, if you’re in black and white. And preferably silent.
Best or Worst Lie I’ve Ever Told
I’m in marketing. I don’t lie. I embellish.
Monday, August 16, 2004
A "Sincere" Letter of Apology
Steve, my old friend,
“To hearken to evil conversation is the road to wickedness.” Have I inadvertently said some evil thing?
I am rank with remorse upon learning that I may have caused you any physical or emotional anguish as a result of any feckless comment I might have made. Any tittle-tattle in the community regarding the alleged purchase of your company ... by your competitor ... is, as far as I am concerned, baseless and unfounded.
I share your outrage that this sort of common talk should be disseminated so widely to vendor, competitor and client alike. Further, I am sickened and dismayed that my name should be attached to this wretched and shameful canard.
As sorrowful as this affair has been, I believe there is a lesson to be learned from it: We must refuse to pander to morbid interest in our neighbors’ fortunes. Now we must pick ourselves up, be sorry, shake ourselves, and go on again.
To borrow a bit of wisdom from Wall Street, “Buy on the rumor; sell on the news.” I’ll wait for the news. And, whatever the outcome, I want to see you basking in the glory of your success.
If I’ve done anything I’m sorry for, I’m willing to be forgiven.
Yours,
S—
Executive Producer
“To hearken to evil conversation is the road to wickedness.” Have I inadvertently said some evil thing?
I am rank with remorse upon learning that I may have caused you any physical or emotional anguish as a result of any feckless comment I might have made. Any tittle-tattle in the community regarding the alleged purchase of your company ... by your competitor ... is, as far as I am concerned, baseless and unfounded.
I share your outrage that this sort of common talk should be disseminated so widely to vendor, competitor and client alike. Further, I am sickened and dismayed that my name should be attached to this wretched and shameful canard.
As sorrowful as this affair has been, I believe there is a lesson to be learned from it: We must refuse to pander to morbid interest in our neighbors’ fortunes. Now we must pick ourselves up, be sorry, shake ourselves, and go on again.
To borrow a bit of wisdom from Wall Street, “Buy on the rumor; sell on the news.” I’ll wait for the news. And, whatever the outcome, I want to see you basking in the glory of your success.
If I’ve done anything I’m sorry for, I’m willing to be forgiven.
Yours,
S—
Executive Producer
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
Best Face Forward
NEW YORK (Reuters) — In a continued effort of “right-sizing,” Jack Morton Worldwide today announced that it would eliminate two of the three faces of its logo. Gone will be “Insight” and “Action,” leaving only “Indifference.”
Increased pressure to meet its financial obligations by its parent, the struggling Interpublic Group of Companies, prompted Jack Morton to make the difficult decision to eliminate two of the three faces of the logo it first presented to the world in 2000.
“For many years, Insight and Action have played a vital role in the success of this company,” says CEO Josh McCall. “I believe Jack Morton still has a strong and dedicated presence poised to meet the challenges of the 21st century armed with Indifference alone.”
“When the economy stabilizes,” Says McCall, “Insight and Action could again become valued aspects of our culture ... after a rigorous interview process.”
Reactions from Jack Morton’s clients are varied. Doug Daft, outgoing Chairman and CEO of The Coca-Cola Company, was heard to comment, “Eh!”
Robert Nardelli, CEO of The Home Depot, released a statement through his attorney stating, “O.K.”
In a similar move in Q3 of 2003, Jack Morton eliminated two of its three values, “Trust, Respect, Agility,” leaving only Agility. Jack Morton Employees exemplified the remaining value by emptying more than 600 offices at an estimated 800 boxes per day in less than a week.
In response to the remaining icon, “Indifference,” Chairman Bill Morton stated, “Whatever!” Founder Jack Morton, contacted at his residence in Florida, was heard to say, “Mammy?”
Charlotte Merrell, Jack Morton’s Executive Vice President of Human Resources, when contacted by our staff, simply laughed.
____________
May 25, 2004
NEW YORK (Reuters) — In a related story, the 600 employees downsized by Jack Morton in 2003 have been reassigned to Interpublic’s flagship company, McCann-Erickson, as receptionists.
Increased pressure to meet its financial obligations by its parent, the struggling Interpublic Group of Companies, prompted Jack Morton to make the difficult decision to eliminate two of the three faces of the logo it first presented to the world in 2000.
“For many years, Insight and Action have played a vital role in the success of this company,” says CEO Josh McCall. “I believe Jack Morton still has a strong and dedicated presence poised to meet the challenges of the 21st century armed with Indifference alone.”
“When the economy stabilizes,” Says McCall, “Insight and Action could again become valued aspects of our culture ... after a rigorous interview process.”
Reactions from Jack Morton’s clients are varied. Doug Daft, outgoing Chairman and CEO of The Coca-Cola Company, was heard to comment, “Eh!”
Robert Nardelli, CEO of The Home Depot, released a statement through his attorney stating, “O.K.”
In a similar move in Q3 of 2003, Jack Morton eliminated two of its three values, “Trust, Respect, Agility,” leaving only Agility. Jack Morton Employees exemplified the remaining value by emptying more than 600 offices at an estimated 800 boxes per day in less than a week.
In response to the remaining icon, “Indifference,” Chairman Bill Morton stated, “Whatever!” Founder Jack Morton, contacted at his residence in Florida, was heard to say, “Mammy?”
Charlotte Merrell, Jack Morton’s Executive Vice President of Human Resources, when contacted by our staff, simply laughed.
____________
May 25, 2004
NEW YORK (Reuters) — In a related story, the 600 employees downsized by Jack Morton in 2003 have been reassigned to Interpublic’s flagship company, McCann-Erickson, as receptionists.
Saturday, September 30, 2000
Correspondence: Fall, 2000
Nine o’clock came and went unnoticed. I put a load of laundry in to dry and one in to wash and played a game of checkers with my niece. Then, off to deal with the vicissitudes of sobriety. My remaining waking hours were a study in tedium. If, as Voltaire said, “Work saves us from three great evils: boredom, vice and need,” so do vice and need save us from boredom. As I had already worked, then eliminated the vice, all that was left was a sense of mind-numbing ennui.
It was after I went to sleep that things took a turn. I suppose at some point my neurons got tired of looking for Jagermeister and tried to find some way to amuse themselves. My unfettered mind started dreaming the dreams of the damned — aliens, mutants, plane crashes, old girlfriends, saving a drowning kitten. Had I been awake, it would more rightly have been called a psychotic episode. From my experience, though, this lasts only a night or two before old patterns re-establish themselves and I’ll sleep like a babe.
How’s the cigarette thing going? Any craziness?
____________
Night two with no Jager. It was like opening the shutters on the window to my soul, allowing an uncomfortable amount of introspection. That’s probably why I don’t do this too often; I see too many wrong choices and too much wasted time. I did think of several things that need to be written as soon as I get my computer fixed. Drop the booze, find the muse, I guess.
____________
A pall has settled over the office as we realize the last UPS pickup is looming before us and we are almost certainly going to miss our deadline with the candy client. It’s time I started working on backup plans to get the stuff to the client, because I know it will come to that. And yet, as I steel myself for a late night of last minutes, I don’t really care about “communicating the functional benefits of hunger satisfaction” ... I just want to take a nap.
It was after I went to sleep that things took a turn. I suppose at some point my neurons got tired of looking for Jagermeister and tried to find some way to amuse themselves. My unfettered mind started dreaming the dreams of the damned — aliens, mutants, plane crashes, old girlfriends, saving a drowning kitten. Had I been awake, it would more rightly have been called a psychotic episode. From my experience, though, this lasts only a night or two before old patterns re-establish themselves and I’ll sleep like a babe.
How’s the cigarette thing going? Any craziness?
____________
Night two with no Jager. It was like opening the shutters on the window to my soul, allowing an uncomfortable amount of introspection. That’s probably why I don’t do this too often; I see too many wrong choices and too much wasted time. I did think of several things that need to be written as soon as I get my computer fixed. Drop the booze, find the muse, I guess.
____________
A pall has settled over the office as we realize the last UPS pickup is looming before us and we are almost certainly going to miss our deadline with the candy client. It’s time I started working on backup plans to get the stuff to the client, because I know it will come to that. And yet, as I steel myself for a late night of last minutes, I don’t really care about “communicating the functional benefits of hunger satisfaction” ... I just want to take a nap.
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