I Kid You Not (Revised Version)

I’ve never had a wife or child
Though I’m over forty now.
I’d love to let my genes run wild
But, danged if I know how.

But, I saw a girl I used to know
Then I went and chased her.
“Don’t run away! I’m friend, not foe …
Come, use my turkey baster!”

“Come back to me, my One True … Like.
I only wish to procreate!
I need someone to bear my tyke …
Come back before you ovulate!”

“Oh, I sense some hesitation.
This has ever been my doom!
I didn’t make a reservation
And you have a private womb.”

So my seed remains unsown.
I guess I’ll never reproduce.
Parental joys remain unknown
And I’ll die an old recluse.

2010 Valentine's Day Card

To Wit

Whereby notwithstanding, against forthwith wherefores,
Thereby obstruct said herewith whys because of my therefores.
Howsoever they might albeit, withal I mayhap see,
Inasmuch as I’m foresworn, whatsoever, shall it be.

For therein lie my herebys which were heretofore my whereins,
And ever hence the words I speak shall be all full of swear ins.
But know all men by these presents — I promise and affirm —
The above shall be regarded null and void. Hereinafter.

To whom it may concern.

I'd Like a Second Opinion

I consulted Dr. Seuss on a matter of great importance.
He made a Hat-in-Cat Scan of my Whys and Whos and Hortons.

He said, “You have a cooter-pooter,” and he asked for my permission.
“You're going to feel a little prick, but you’ll be in remission.”

I should say I did not like it. I do not care how it appears!
It’s not covered by my insurance, and now I’m in arrears.

I'm Just Scratching the Surface (because that's where it itches)

I am uniquely superficial in the way I act and speak,
And my emotions artificial for six days out of the week.
Oh, I say odd stuff and nonsense just to hear the way I sound,
Without affect or pretense, how the wisecracks they abound.
They flee my tongue like flocks of birds, all migrating south.
Meaningless, my witty words! I just cannot shut my mouth.
That “me” who felt, he up and died. I'm unmoved by grief or woe!
I’m laughing on the outside, and that’s as deep as I will go.
But please don’t think ill of me; I’ve got catharsis by the throat!
Every seventh day I set it free … I pull the shades, and I emote.

A Tail of Chew Kitties

My little cat bit his tail
And then he kept on chewing.
He went at it tooth and nail.
He didn’t know what he was doing.

He chewed upon his tail all day,
Chewed well into the night.
I didn’t know just what to say.
I knew it wasn’t right.

He gnawed and gnawed,
Oh, how he bit and swallowed.
He was eating himself, by Gawd!
First tail, then hind legs followed.

He kept on eating without pause,
Past his shoulders, as I feared.
One last gulp – just because –
Then my cat, he disappeared!

I couldn’t believe my cat was gone –
I would miss the little dear.
He’d tangled with that tail – and won.
I’ll admit … I shed a tear.

So, imagine my surprise when,
Two days later, to the second,
I heard my cat meow again!
He’d digested himself, I reckon.

It’s true! The cat was back!
My ravenous little friend ...
He’d eaten himself for a snack,
Then come out his other end!

Now I buy no cat food,
My cat’s a meal that never ends.
Now when he’s in a peckish mood,
I butter up his tail and send him through again!

Christmas Card 2009