2010 Valentine's Day Card

To Wit

Whereby notwithstanding, against forthwith wherefores,
Thereby obstruct said herewith whys because of my therefores.
Howsoever they might albeit, withal I mayhap see,
Inasmuch as I’m foresworn, whatsoever, shall it be.

For therein lie my herebys which were heretofore my whereins,
And ever hence the words I speak shall be all full of swear ins.
But know all men by these presents — I promise and affirm —
The above shall be regarded null and void. Hereinafter.

To whom it may concern.

I'd Like a Second Opinion

I consulted Dr. Seuss on a matter of great importance.
He made a Hat-in-Cat Scan of my Whys and Whos and Hortons.

He said, “You have a cooter-pooter,” and he asked for my permission.
“You're going to feel a little prick, but you’ll be in remission.”

I should say I did not like it. I do not care how it appears!
It’s not covered by my insurance, and now I’m in arrears.

I'm Just Scratching the Surface (because that's where it itches)

I am uniquely superficial in the way I act and speak,
And my emotions artificial for six days out of the week.
Oh, I say odd stuff and nonsense just to hear the way I sound,
Without affect or pretense, how the wisecracks they abound.
They flee my tongue like flocks of birds, all migrating south.
Meaningless, my witty words! I just cannot shut my mouth.
That “me” who felt, he up and died. I'm unmoved by grief or woe!
I’m laughing on the outside, and that’s as deep as I will go.
But please don’t think ill of me; I’ve got catharsis by the throat!
Every seventh day I set it free … I pull the shades, and I emote.

A Tail of Chew Kitties

My little cat bit his tail
And then he kept on chewing.
He went at it tooth and nail.
He didn’t know what he was doing.

He chewed upon his tail all day,
Chewed well into the night.
I didn’t know just what to say.
I knew it wasn’t right.

He gnawed and gnawed,
Oh, how he bit and swallowed.
He was eating himself, by Gawd!
First tail, then hind legs followed.

He kept on eating without pause,
Past his shoulders, as I feared.
One last gulp – just because –
Then my cat, he disappeared!

I couldn’t believe my cat was gone –
I would miss the little dear.
He’d tangled with that tail – and won.
I’ll admit … I shed a tear.

So, imagine my surprise when,
Two days later, to the second,
I heard my cat meow again!
He’d digested himself, I reckon.

It’s true! The cat was back!
My ravenous little friend ...
He’d eaten himself for a snack,
Then come out his other end!

Now I buy no cat food,
My cat’s a meal that never ends.
Now when he’s in a peckish mood,
I butter up his tail and send him through again!

Christmas Card 2009

Marginalia

Going back over my notebooks, I find the oddest things scrawled in the margins. Relics of some passing fancy, quickly written and as quickly forgotten. Then, when I come across them sometimes years later, I often wonder, "What was I thinking?"

Here are a few things I have found in those notebooks.

______

William was a good boy, as good as he could be
And William had a little sheep, so fine and soft and wee.
But William was a big boy, bigger than Uncle Fred.
Yes, William was a big boy … and now that sheep is dead.

…

(Sung to the tune of “Yankee Doodle.”)

Deutschland, Deutschland uber alles,
Goose step all o’er the pla-ace.
We can do whatever we want,
We are the Master Ra-ace.

Germans, Germans, ve are good,
Germans, ve are grea-eat.
Ve dominate the ones we love
And kill the ones we ha-ate!

...

Herpes burn day to you,
Herpes burn day to you.
Herpes burn day, herpes burn day,
Herpes burn day to you!

…

Aardvark, aardvark come out and play,
Suck up dem ants on a bright sunny day.
You’ve eaten dem ants ever since you was young.
Put yo face on de ground and dey stick on yo tongue.
Sho nuff.

…

Fire can heal, fire can burn us,
Fire will thrive on wood or coal.
Never reach inside a furnace,
Always poke it with a pole.

…

All around the carpenter’s bench
The Muslim chased the Jesus.
The Muslim thought ’twas all in fun,
Pop! Goes the Jesus …

…

Hunter’s arrow squarely sings
Toward the children on the swings.
Fred and Ethel are reviled
Lucy likes her cabbage biled.
Spicy jalapeño poppers,
Kmart saying “Hello shoppers,”
Perry Como, Dean and Bing,
This little song don’t mean a thing.

...

Long the shadows on Autumn’s eve
The sun sets … I rejoice.
“God,” I think, “I believe.”
I give the thought a voice.
Brown the leaves that tend to fall
Among the bowers bare,
As God above marks my call
And then ignores my prayer.

...

Lorem gypsum color cement, consecrate teeter adipose lint.
Damn no hominy, deuce ode temper, indecent labor, Dolores whimper.

...

England mourns her poet lost,
The late and good Lord Tennyson.
No finer dear has tempest tossed,
But that - my deer - is venison.

...

The rose is red, the violet is blue
I went to the dance and so did you.
At the wedding I tried to explain to your maw,
I don't really love you ... I drew the short straw.

...

Warm cat vomit
On a winter's night
Is cold come morning.



...

I've never seen a pig in a poke.
I never hope to see one.
At least I know, when times are tough,
I'd rather Weee! than be one.

...

I’ve never seen a sacred cow,

I never hope to see one.

But from what’s on the news right now,

I know that there must be one.

...

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I’ve never winced nor cursed my load.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

...


I went to Japan, I sat in a fancy tub.
You won’t believe-a what I saw-a!
I got a "thorough" body rub,
And I brought home an Ichikawa.

...

Violets are blue,
Roses are red.
I’m stalking you ...
I’m under your bed.
...

Prostate! Prostate! He’s our gland!

If you can’t reach it, no one can!

Raw Raw Raw!