To Various Co-Workers
Date: 06/24/99 11:32
Subject: Robert’s Office
... As you know, I feel some measure of responsibility for Robert and consider that my job of coordinating his affairs continues even when he is out of the office. During the 11:00 rattling of his cabinet, I discovered that the hinges were a little squeaky, so I took some WD-40 and sprayed it liberally over the hinges and deep into the cracks and crevices. I am pleased to report that the cabinet is performing perfectly now. If any other anomalies present themselves during the 12:00 rattling of his cabinet, I will let you know.
Ever vigilant in my endeavor to keep Robert coordinated, I remain
Bob
PS- You were right. Turning on the pretty lights in his office and lighting the candle to symbolically guide him safely back to us has lessened my separation anxiety.
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Date: 06/24/99 12:29
Subject: Robert’s Office
... Can you bring me the vacuum? During the 12:00 rattling of the cabinet, I was so intent on discharging my duty swiftly and efficiently that I completely forgot the cookie in my hand. In my haste to prevent the wax from oozing onto Robert’s carpet after I knocked the candle over, I discarded the cookie which somersaulted through the air, banked off Robert’s desk and shattered into a thousand tiny pieces. Normally, I would just turn on the overhead and pick up each crumb in turn, however the crumbs are almost identical in color to the carpet. I feel my only recourse at this time is to bring in the vacuum and vacuum the entire floor just to be sure that each and every morsel is accounted for and absented from Robert’s office before he returns.
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Date: 06/24/99 12:41
Subject: Robert’s Office
... You didn’t tell me that the vacuum had a reverse setting. Unfortunately, in my effort to rid Robert’s office of the crumbs, the vacuum, which was set in the aforementioned reverse mode, discharged two cubic feet of dust, hair, and an accumulation of the sloughed off skin cells from everyone in the office. I have gotten the worst of it up, but I may need some help in wiping the layers of dust from the windows, because they’re starting to smear.
PS- Do you think it would be alright if I didn’t dust each of the blinds individually? I think that would take too long for something that, in all likelihood, will never be noticed by anyone.
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Date: 06/24/99 14:59
Subject: Robert’s Office
... I think I fixed the squeak, but I can’t get the door to the cabinet back on. Do you know where the toolbox is? If you can find it, I’ll be back here in Robert’s office. Oh — and could you bring the Lysol, too? Thanks!
PS- I got the gum off my shoe, but I can’t get it off Robert’s carpet. Maybe lighter fluid.
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Date: 06/24/99 15:29
Subject: Robert’s Office
Yeah, it’s still smoldering, but fortunately I kept my wits about me and poured some Coke on it. Do you think he’ll notice?
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Date: 06/24/99 16:10
Subject: Robert’s Office
No, I covered it with a throw rug.
PS- Do we have any glue?
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Date: 06/24/99 15:29
Subject: Robert’s Office
I want to thank you for your help with Robert’s office today. I think we got it back in shape, but I’m going to let it air out tonight, anyway.
