Thursday, March 26, 2009
It was rainy and miserable out, sure, but March 25th is my mother’s birthday. My mother is one of the first people I ever met. I’ve known her all my life. And if she has a birthday, by golly, neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night shall stay me from meeting her for supper. The rush hour traffic on the Downtown Connector stayed me for a little while, but I made it up to Marietta with a song in my heart. Eventually.
We took the old girl to Red Lobster. For seafood, obviously.
I had crab legs and stuffed flounder. I’m not a big fish guy. Fishies kind of gross me out, but doesn’t “stuffed flounder” sound good?
Turns out, once I got it, and looked at its flat fishiness, all I could think of was how those flounders just sit there with both eyes on the same side of their ... heads? ... and how ugly they are. I don’t like to eat ugly. (Despite what you may have heard.)
And, then my mind wandered to the “stuffed” part. What do you stuff a flounder with? In my mind, I was eating a flat, ugly fish filled with flounder poop. It didn’t taste bad, but the very act of eating it conjured nightmarish visions of the undersea world and the terrifying creatures it spawns.
Loved those crab legs, though.
Sure, a crab is nothing more than a great big tick that lives in the water, but they sure are tasty. In fact, I look forward to my mother’s birthday all year. It’s the one day that I have crabs and really enjoy it.
And, Oh! the Calamari! Heaven! All the big, round chewy parts, not the stringy parts with the suckers. It used to bother me to eat cephalopods because they are so clever. That was before I realized how good they tasted. Now I can turn a blind eye.
Same with pigs. They are some dang smart animals. Unfortunately for them, they are smart on the outside, but flavorful on the inside. There probably isn’t a part of the pig that that doesn’t taste good to somebody.
Shakespeare said that! Or maybe it was Bacon.
Upon reflection, maybe we should just eat clowns. They’re about as smart as squids, but way scarier. And nobody would miss a clown if he were to … disappear. But, dammit, they taste funny.
I digress. We had a grand time with me Mudda on her sumthinty-sumthith birthday. I hope she enjoyed herself. I can hardly wait until next year.
Monday, March 2, 2009
A - AGE:
Twenty-one. Twice. Plus one.
B - BED SIZE:
It’s nine feet high and six feet wide and soft as a downy chick. Holds eight kids, four hound dogs and a piggy we stole from the shed.
C - CHORE YOU HATE?
Dinah. Never could stand her.
D - DOGS NAME?
E - ESSENTIAL DAILY ITEMS?
F - FAVORITE COLOR?
Black. And Decker
G - GOLD OR SILVER?
Don’t really care. As I said back in ’49, “What’s the Rush?”
H - HEIGHT?
I - INSTRUMENTS YOU PLAY?
J - JOB TITLE?
K - KIDS?
Not that I know of. But I haven’t followed up on every toilet seat and swimming pool in town.
L - LIVING ARRANGEMENTS?
I’ll keep doing what I’m doing until I die, then God gets me. Really only a verbal agreement.
M - MOM'S NAME?
N - NICKNAME?
The Keyster; The Weasel; Hey, Robe’t!
O - OVERNIGHT HOSPITAL STAY OTHER THAN BIRTH?
I’ve never given birth. But I have had overnight stays in the hospital as various body parts were removed, repaired or improved upon.
P - PET PEEVES?
No, cats. Geez!
Q - QUOTE FROM A MOVIE?
I’m partial to silent movies, so it’s difficult to say. I guess “Meanwhile …” is as good as any.
R - RIGHT OR LEFT HANDED?
Right, usually. Left if I’m in the mood for something a little more exotic.
S - SIBLINGS?
I’m the middle child of twins.
T - TIME YOU WAKE UP?
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow until the last syllable of recorded time.
U - UNDERWEAR?
We covered that in the last quiz.
V - VEGETABLE YOU DISLIKE?
Terri Schiavo. Too needy.
W - WAYS YOU RUN LATE?
I do not run at all. I’m liable to perspire.
X - X-Rays You've Had?
Everything from the tippy-top of my graying head to the bottom of my flat little feet.
Y - YUMMY FOOD YOU MAKE?
I pour a mean shot of Jager.
Z - ZOO FAVORITES?
Finish the Sentence
1. I've come to realize that my last kiss … was probably just that.
2. I am listening to … to the voices in my head.
3. I talk … to the voices in my head.
4. I love … somebody special, but I don’t know if she’s real.
5. My first real kiss … see #1.
6. Love is … a monkey splattered thing.
7. Marriage is … like Mt. Everest. You want to climb it because it’s there, but lots of people die trying to reach the top.
8. Somewhere, someone is thinking … what does this switch do?
9. I'll always … say “never.” Well … sometimes I won’t.
10. The last time I really cried was because … I couldn’t reach my medication in time.
11. My cell phone … never rings.
12. When I wake up in the morning … I greet the day with the suspicion it deserves.
13. Before I go to bed … I drink a quart of gin from a cracked jelly jar to make my troubles seem far away.
14. Right now I am thinking about … how chilly it is despite the sunshine and wonder, if I go out, if it is right to bare arms.
15. I get on MySpace … less and less.
16. Today I … will eat and drink.
17. Tomorrow I will … be Mary.
18. I really want to be … in the driver’s seat of a 1976 Cordoba. Then nothing could harm me.
19. I am allergic to … the plants that make me sneeze and the antibiotics that will kill me.
20. I am annoyed by … stupid people and loud children in restaurants.
21. One food I refuse to eat is … I will not tell you my Kryptonite.
22. The most recent thing I've learned is … don’t wonder what this switch does.
23. The number one thing on my bucket list is … I don’t know for sure, but I’ll bet your bucket list pails in comparison.
24. Something I've always wanted to learn to do is … the Charleston.
25. I have a high tolerance for … rejection.
26. I have a low tolerance for … acceptance.
27. My wish … is to become a blonde or dye trying.
28. One person I would happily make a fool out of myself if I ever saw in person … is the Sham Wow guy. I don’t think it would matter a whit.
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
1975. And 1989. O.K. … O.K. … and 1995.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I used to. Should have digitized it when it was still good. (No worries! I left myself clear samples so I can reproduce my 1989 handwriting when I can afford Fontographer again.)
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
No. But according to Wikipedia, I make about 20 million sperm per pop. So it looks like I’ve got my work cut out for me.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
It depends on which other person I was. Statistically, I’d say no. But I’m always glad to meet an outlier.
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
I talk a good game, but I rarely reach sarcasm.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
I hope not. If I do, that was a lot of pain for nothing. I do not vomit blood lightly.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Not anymore. Old people’s bones don’t heal well.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Yes. If I don’t, the big Red Goose will peck my eyes out and Buster Brown will weep.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Vanilla. Chocolate if I am feeling especially adventurous.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Their speed and distance.
15. RED OR PINK?
16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I don't know ... my indecicisiveness?
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Hard to say. I've got pretty good aim.
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
Everyone in the world? No. I’ll be pushing it to think of 25 people.
19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
N/A. Now ask me “Boxers or Briefs?”
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
To the tintinnabulation that so musically wells from the bells, bells, bells, bells, bells, bells, bells. From the jingling and the tinkling of the bells. When I’m through, I’m going to tinkle tinkle tinkle in the icy air of night.
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
I had hoped that we'd moved beyond such superficial judgments. I'm just glad I can stay inside the lines.
23. FAVORITE SMELL?
It certainly isn’t!
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
A friend in need. Indeed.
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Bass fishing. If you catch a viola, you have to throw it back.
27. HAIR COLOR?
Brown and white. Soon to be white and brown. Without the brown.
28. EYE COLOR?
Hazel. I've always had an affinity for Shirley Booth.
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No. Just verbal agreements.
30. FAVORITE FOOD?
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Is there a difference?
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
“The Freshman” with Harold Lloyd
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
I am not wearing a shirt. As soon as I finish this, I will put on a gray polo shirt so’s I look good on camera.
34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
I do not wear makeup.
35. HUGS OR KISSES?
It depends on a number of factors. If you really want to know, send me your e-mail address and I’ll send you the spreadsheet with my criteria. Beyond that, I'd have to say I take it on a case by case basis.
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
I don’t even know who I’m going to tag.
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Just finished a Chrichton book.
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
I don’t use a mouse. Or pad.
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Everything from channel 3 to channel 75 in 3-second intervals. Over and over.
42. FAVORITE SOUND(S):
I like white noise. Or that CD of sounds from the womb. “Whoosh-whoosh-whoosh-whoosh …” That really takes me back.
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I have never tried to tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue, but several people have said I probably could.
46 WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Born on a mountaintop in Tennessee. I can’t say I killed me a b’ar when I was only three. I was at least 12. And the bear was sick.
47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
I want to be surprised.
48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
My “others” are not significant. Not anymore. I’ve been down that road. Learned that lesson.
Twenty-Five Things About Me.
1. Tuna makes me vomit. The sight, the smell, the very thought of it.
2. I don’t have much feeling in the middle finger of my right hand because of the way the meat got crammed back in after I cut the crap out of it in the third grade. Carpal tunnel syndrome has largely made that irrelevant now that several other fingers on that hand are numb. No, wait, I’m having a stroke.
Nope. Not a stroke. Dang! Now I’ve got to think of 23 more.
3. An American bald eagle, the proud symbol of our great nation, once took a dump on my shoe.
4. I spent six months in the ‘80s looking like Ronald McDonald because I thought Sun In would bring out my “Natural Blond Highlights.”
5. It took me years to get over moving away from Tennessee at age 5. I don’t like living there as an adult, but it was a great place to grow up and spend my summers as a child.
6. My grandfather was larger than life to me, and I shadowed him like a little Mini-Me long before the term was even invented. I was in High School before I realized that he could be wrong sometimes.
7. I wanted to get a degree in Linguistics, but I couldn’t cut it. Same with Art School.
8. I almost died in 2008 after complications from an appendectomy. I was out of action for about four months, lost 40 pounds and was unable to walk at the end. After a week in the hospital and some physical therapy, I’m pretty much back to normal, but I haven’t tried running yet.
9. I began exploring some woods near my house, an oasis in the suburbs, with a friend when I was 12. We made elaborate maps, mythologies, languages and a detailed backstory for the little wood and continued to do so until we were at least 30. (After age 20 or so, we had moved away so we didn’t go there. It was pretty much all on paper by then.)
10. I went to High School with the mother from the AT&T Rollover Minutes commercials currently running and have wanted to marry her since I was 14. Probably not going to happen.
11. I spent three winters in Upstate New York, way north of Albany. I hope never to drive in snow again.
12. I planned to get married and have kids by 25, but it never really gelled. I was engaged twice. Once in kindergarten, once at 18, and would have married in my early 20s, but she didn’t want to get married. Until she ran off with a friend of mine. That took longer to get over than being uprooted from Tennessee, and I might never completely heal. Nevertheless, if I found somebody who made me laugh, I’d be smitten all over again.
13. As an editor in the early ’90s I once edited an entire week of television programming in Portugese, which I don’t speak. It was easier than you’d think.
14. I can make my mother pee just my saying something funny.
15. I wanted to be a stand-up comedian in the late ’80s, but I’m better at writing funny than talking funny.
16. Although I never had kids, my sister had six, and I did a lot of hands-on uncling when they were young. #3 took her first unaided step to ME. Kids like me.
17. I think I have compassion for those less fortunate than myself, but for people of equal fortune, I won’t spare the sarcasm if they deserve it.
18. I clean up nice, but I believe in comfortable footwear. I can throw on a tie and fit in comfortably with corporate types, but if I talk enough, they might realize I have an unorthodox world view.
19. I want to be a cartoon voice.
20. I like the popular culture of the 1910s & 1920s, although I require indoor plumbing, air conditioning and I wouldn’t fit in at all well during prohibition.
21. I am liked by animals, kids and old people. Parents like me and I could talk for hours with your grandparents.
22. When people misuse irregular verbs, I want to shoot them. “I’m going to lay down,” and “I should have went …” are particularly heinous.
23. I spoke with a Southern accent until I was a teen. Once I could drive and could leave the suburbs at will, I developed the Cosmopolitan patois you hear today. I can easily slip back into my native Appalachian dialect, and I still sound like a goober when I talk to my family.
24. I have probably thrown up more Jagermeister than most people consume in a lifetime.
O.K. Number 25. I’d better make this count.
25. I was once abducted by aliens in their desperate bid to repopulate their home planet. There is now a world somewhere in the Sagittarius Arm of our galaxy entirely populated by people with big noses, no chin and distinguished white streaks.
*WARNING: Some statements may be a fabrication.
50 More Factoids About Bob
1. WHAT TIME DID YOU GET UP THIS MORNING?
2. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR STEAK?
3. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA?
Birth of a Nation.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
ALF; TJ Hooker; The Monkees.
5. IF YOU COULD LIVE ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD IT BE?
In the middle.
6. WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?
Vodka. In a coffee mug.
7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CUISINE?
8. WHAT FOODS DO YOU DISLIKE?
I will not tell you my Kryptonite.
9. FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT?
10. FAVORITE DRESSING?
A little gauze over a generous helping of Merthiolate.
11.WHAT KIND OF VEHICLE DO YOU DRIVE?
12. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE CLOTHES?
Blue and gray. Leaning more toward the gray.
13. WHERE WOULD YOU VISIT IF YOU HAD THE CHANCE?
In the living room.
14. CUP 1/2 EMPTY OR 1/2 FULL?
Half empty. But I’ve refilled it twice already.
15. WHERE WOULD YOU WANT TO RETIRE?
At a safe distance from the highway.
16. FAVORITE TIME OF DAY?
4:56 p.m., September 25, 1977
17. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
In the hospital.
18. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?
Cow tipping (always at least 20%)
19. WHO DO YOU THINK WILL NOT TAG YOU BACK?
20. PERSON YOU EXPECT TO TAG YOU BACK FIRST?
Chico. Maybe the Man.
21. WHO ARE YOU MOST CURIOUS ABOUT THEIR RESPONSES TO THIS?
22. BIRD WATCHER?
Only in traffic.
23. ARE YOU A MORNING PERSON OR A NIGHT PERSON?
I like 4:56 p.m., September 25, 1977
Not on a first date.
25. ANY NEW AND EXCITING NEWS THAT YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE?
26. WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE?
27. WHAT IS YOUR BEST CHILDHOOD MEMORY?
That time I had amnesia.
28. ARE YOU A CAT OR DOG PERSON?
No, just a regular person.
29. ARE YOU MARRIED?
30. ALWAYS WEAR YOUR SEAT BELT?
No. Not in the house.
31. BEEN IN A CAR ACCIDENT?
No, it’s always been on purpose.
32. ANY PET PEEVES?
No, cats. Geez!
33. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
Whipped cream. With a pepperoni on top. (Kool Whip and baloney will do in a pinch.)
34. FAVORITE FLOWER?
Forget-me ... something.
35. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
36. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT?
37. HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU FAIL YOUR DRIVER'S TEST?
All of them.
38. WHO DID YOU TALK TO FIRST THIS MORNING?
The voices in my head.
39. WHICH STORE WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO MAX OUT YOUR CREDIT CARD?
Inserection. And I didn’t “choose.”
40. DO ANYTHING SPONTANEOUS LATELY?
No. But I plan to tomorrow.
41. LIKE YOUR JOB?
That’s not funny.
43. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE VACATION?
The middle one.
44. LAST PERSON YOU WENT OUT TO DINNER WITH?
The Sham Wow guy. I had to bite my tongue the whole night.
45. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The voices in my head.
46. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
I thought we’d moved beyond such petty distinctions.
47. HOW MANY TATTOOS DO YOU HAVE?
One. It’s a life-size picture of me, captured in exquisite detail.
48.HOW MANY ARE YOU TAGGING FOR THIS QUIZ?
About a million.
49. COFFEE DRINKER?
No, I snort Folgers with flavor crystals.
49. WHAT TIME DID YOU FINISH THIS QUIZ? 4:56 p.m., September 25, 1977
I’ve Come to Realize
1. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT MY CHEST ... has a rusty lock and there was never any “hope” in it to begin with.
2. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT MY JOB ... is manly, yes. But I like it, too.
3. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT WHEN I’M DRIVING ... I ain’t got that swing and it don’t mean a thing. And I can say “wood” and nobody snickers.
4. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT I NEED ... Ahhh! Nevermind. Just went.
5. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT I HAVE lost … And I wasn’t even playing.
6. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT I HATE IT when … I come to realize that I hate things.
7. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT IF I’M DRUNK … it’s either a weekend or a weak day.
8. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT MONEY … all comes out in the wash.
9. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT CERTAIN PEOPLE … aren’t that certain someone. And neither is anybody else.
10. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT I’LL ALWAYS … have Paris. I try scrubbing …
11. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT MY SIBLING(s) … can have her rivalry all to herself.
12. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT MY MOM … And I’ve realized it over and over.
13. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT MY CELL PHONE … is set on vibrate. If I’d known that, I would have put it in a different pocket.
14. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT WHEN I WOKE UP THIS morning … I wasn’t in Kansas. Again. Maybe tomorrow.
15. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT LAST NIGHT BEFORE I WENT TO SLEEP … sheep were counting me.
16. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT RIGHT NOW I AM THINKING … I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking … I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking …
17. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT MY DAD … is just breaking trail. I’ll look like that in 30 years, too.
18. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT WHEN I GET ON FACEBOOK … everyone on MySpace breathes a sigh of relief.
19. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT TODAY … I am a man. The final operation is next week.
20. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT TONIGHT … tonight is kind of special. (I’ve got no problem with low-brow humor.)
21. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT TOMORROW … and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day.
22. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT I REALLY WANT TO … nah! I did it once. Didn’t like it. Left a taste.
23. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT THE PERSON WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO REPOST THIS IS … not Jack Kennedy. I knew Jack Kennedy. I worked with Jack Kennedy. And it’s not Jack Kennedy.
24. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT life … is just a dole of queries.
25. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT THIS WEEKEND WILL … be two days out of my life that I’ll never remember. God willing.
26. I’VE REALIZED THE BEST MUSIC TO LISTEN TO WHEN I AM UPSET … is the beat of a different rum.
27. I’VE COME TO REALIZE THAT MY friends … are … hey, fellers! Where’d everybody go?
28. I’VE COME TO REALIZE NEVER PLAN TO RENEW YOUR VOWS WHEN YOU’VE BEEN MARRIED 20 YEARS ... because at that age, “I doo-doo” is far more important than “I do.”
It's Friday, I’m Bored.
1. WHAT’S THE LAST THING YOU PUT IN YOUR MOUTH?
Nuff’m. Ain’t nuff’m in my mouf. See?
2. HAVE YOU EVER KISSED ANYONE NAMED MATTHEW?
No. But I made out with Luke and John under the bleachers once.
3. WHERE WAS YOUR PROFILE PICTURE TAKEN?
In the police station. Prints are also available.
4. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU RODE IN A CAR WITH UNDER THE AGE OF 20?
How should I know? That was 23 years ago, for God’s sake.
5. CAN YOU PLAY GUITAR HERO?
Sure. If I see a guitar in distress. (Don’t fret! I’ll save you! Grab onto this chord!)
6. LAST TIME YOU WALKED FURTHER THAN A BLOCK?
4:56 p.m., September 25, 1977
7. NAME SOMEONE THAT MADE YOU LAUGH TODAY?
Dennis the Menace. That rascal!
8. HOW LATE DID YOU STAY UP LAST NIGHT AND WHY?
Until 36:00 Wednesday. Because I do a lot of Crack.
9. IF YOU COULD MOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE, WOULD YOU?
I wouldn’t move somewhere else. I like somewhere else just where it is. I’d got there instead.
10. EVER BEEN KISSED UNDER FIREWORKS?
Fireworks, no. At gunpoint, yes.
11. DO YOU BELIEVE EXES CAN BE FRIENDS?
I don’t know. All my friends are Ohs.
12. DO YOU LIKE CALLING OR TEXTING BETTER?
Sure do! And when I can text better, I’ll let you know.
13. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT DIET DR PEPPER?
That’s for people who drink Dr Pepper but aren’t necessarily proud.
14. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED REALLY HARD?
It’s always hard. Crying, I mean.
15. WHERE IS YOUR BIOLOGICAL FATHER RIGHT NOW?
I don’t know. We buried him. I guess he’s still digging.
16. WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW?
I’m playing doubles tennis with Oprah Winfrey and the Smother’s Brothers. What the deuce? What kind of question is that?
17. WHAT BED DID YOU SLEEP IN LAST NIGHT?
Was it a water bed, or was that just me?
18. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING SOMEONE BOUGHT FOR YOU?
A Pony. Except it wasn’t a Pony, it was a Mule. With a kilo of heroin. In its Ass.
19. WHO TOOK YOUR PROFILE PICTURE?
Ansel Adams. Or Annie Leibovitz. I don’t remember. I’d been drinking.
20. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TOOK A PICTURE OF?
I don’t take pictures. I draw flies. Yuk yuk yuk yuk!
21. WAS YESTERDAY BETTER THAN TODAY?
Ask me tomorrow.
22. CAN YOU LIVE A DAY WITHOUT TV?
TV ruins your mind and makes ... what was the question?
23. ARE YOU A BAD INFLUENCE?
If I’ve ever influenced anyone in any way, I would be very surprised.
24. WHAT ITEMS COULD YOU NOT GO WITHOUT DURING THE DAY?
Red tipped cane. I use it so when I tap dance like Fred Astaire it doesn’t matter whether or not it makes any noise.
25. WOULD YOU SHARE A DRINK WITH A STRANGER?
Tricky question. I would not share a first drink. After the second drink, there are no strangers.
26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU VISITED IN THE HOSPITAL?
Ted Kennedy. He asked about you.
27. WHAT DOES THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE IN YOUR INBOX SAY?
Go to #30 and you tell me!
28. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
Why does every survey want to know what I’m wearing? I’m no trendsetter.
29. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE?
None. I eat Hershey’s Kisses in the car and when I pass a sign that says, “Speed Checked by Detection Services,” I throw the foil out the window to confuse the radar. But I almost got fined for littering once.
30. IF WE WERE TO LOOK IN YOUR INBOX, WHAT WOULD WE FIND?
31. HAS ANYONE EVER CALLED YOU PERFECT BEFORE?
Mister Rogers says everybody’s fine. Hear that? I am *fine*!
32. WHAT SONG IS STUCK IN YOUR HEAD?
Deutschland Uber Alles
33. SOMEONE KNOCKS ON YOUR WINDOW AT 2 AM, WHO DO YOU WANT IT TO BE?
I love these! Little Old Lady. Little Old Lady Who? I didn’t know you could yodel! Yuk yuk yuk yuk!
34. WHO WAS YOUR LAST MISSED CALL ON YOUR PHONE?
My grandmother. I really miss her calls.
35. CAN YOU HANDLE THE TRUTH?
If I’m wearing protection.
36. WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ?
Roget’s Thesaurus. It was a wonderful, fantastic, magnificent, terrific read!
37. IS THERE SOMETHING YOU ALWAYS WEAR?
A knowing look and a rakish smile.
38. HAVE YOU EVER CRAWLED THROUGH A WINDOW?
Yep. Doors, too.
39. WHAT’S SOMETHING THAT CAN ALWAYS MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?
Carter’s Little Liver Pills. And Tequila.
40. WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
I want to wash that gray right out of my hair. With Tequila.
41. LOOK BEHIND YOU, WHAT DO YOU SEE?
Oh, no! I’m not falling for that one again.
42. HAVE YOU EVER WORKED IN A FOOD PLACE?
Yep. Most of the premier companies in the Southeast have had their best creative conceived in my bar.
43. COULD YOU ANSWER ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS HONESTLY?
Sure did! May God strike me ...
Y’all Know the Drill ...
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR ABOUT MAKING A TOTAL COMMITMENT?
HOW WAS LAST NIGHT OVERALL?
The mercury was falling and the pressure was rising.
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU NEED TO SAY TO SOMEONE?
To the owner of the blue Crown Vic: You left your lights on.
IS THERE ONE PERSON YOU LOOK AT AND AUTOMATICALLY SMILE?
My parole officer.
HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT WHEN YOU'RE OLDER?
WOULD YOU RATHER GO CAMPING OR TO A NICE HOTEL?
I’d like to pull the RV up to the Ritz and drop an extension cord. And slip somebody a sawbuck to put a chocolate on my pillow.
HAVE YOU EVER RECEIVED A MYSPACE MESSAGE THAT MADE YOU CRY?
Yes. Tom said he was deleting me because I was too needy.
DO YOU GIVE OUT SECOND CHANCES TOO EASILY?
No. And that’s the last time I’m going to tell you.
HAVE YOU EVER MET SOMEONE WHO TURNED OUT TO BE AMAZING?
That Octomom sure was an eye-opener.
YOU'RE LOCKED IN A ROOM WITH THE PERSON YOU LAST KISSED, PROBLEMS?
Yes. She died in 1986.
ARE YOUR NAILS PAINTED?
Nope. But my stigmata are.
ARE YOU OKAY WITH MAKING A TOTAL FOOL OF YOURSELF?
You’d think so, wouldn’t you?
WHERE IS THE PERSON YOU LAST KISSED AT THIS MOMENT?
Locked in that room ... remember?
IS THERE SOMEONE YOU WOULDN'T MIND KISSING RIGHT NOW?
Clara Bow. She’s got It. And I gave it to her.
YOUR LAST MISSED CALL, WOULD YOU KISS THEM?
No. But their call is important to me.
WHAT'S ON YOUR WRISTS RIGHT NOW?
Nothing really, so I’ll just say something off the cuff.
DO YOU THINK YOU'LL HAVE THE SAME BEST FRIEND A YEAR FROM NOW?
Yeah. Unless the judge signs that restraining order.
DO YOU LIKE TO TAKE WALKS?
No, but I like to drive on the sidewalk.
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT GETTING YOUR TONGUE PIERCED?
If you can’t lick ’em, join ’em.
ARE YOU CURRENTLY WANTING ANY PIERCINGS OR TATTOOS?
I want to have my bellybutton pierced. But not that sissy way. I want to do mine back to front.
DO YOU HAVE A BROTHER?
If I did, I’ll bet he wouldn’t be heavy.
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE TO ON THE PHONE?
Grover Cleveland. And the phone wasn’t even plugged in!
HAVE YOU EVER DRIVEN WITHOUT A LICENSE?
I drive with a medical license. I’ve never had a moving violation, but once I ran a red light and got sued for malpractice.
DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE DATE OF YOUR DEATH?
COULD YOU GO A WHOLE YEAR WITHOUT CURSING?
ARE YOU HAPPY WITH THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING?
I wish it would come left 20 degrees.
HAS ANYONE EVER CALLED YOU PERFECT BEFORE?
No ... they made a few mistakes.
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON TO TELL YOU THAT YOU WERE IMPORTANT?
DO YOU HAVE SOMEONE WHO YOU CAN BE YOUR COMPLETE SELF AROUND?
Sure do. If I didn’t come clean, he wouldn’t give me the crazy pills.
DOES IT MATTER TO YOU IF YOUR BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND SMOKES?
I don’t care if she burns.
DO YOU THINK SOMEONE IS THINKING ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW?
About a half dozen bill collectors.
WHEN YOU'RE BORED AT WORK, WHAT DO YOU USUALLY DO?
Sit back and wait to be “right sized.”
HOW WOULD YOUR PARENTS REACT IF YOU GOT A TATTOO?
They’re cool. If I got one, I’d get one of Herve Villechaize saying, “De plane! De plane!” That would be ironic, huh?
DO YOU GET ALONG BETTER WITH YOUR MOM OR YOUR DAD?
Tough call. My father gave me a credit card, but my mother breast fed me. Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free?
DO YOU CARRY A PURSE?
I do not. But I get weekly estrogen shots, so it’s only a matter of time.
WHO OR WHAT WAS THE LAST PERSON/THING YOU HUGGED?
Yep. Probably so.
HAVE YOU EVER HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN?
Oh, heart broken, spleen vented, kidney beaned, gall stoned, loins girded. I’ve had all that stuff.
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF HAVING PLASTIC SURGERY?
I’m seriously considering paper surgery. Better on the environment.
ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER?
A leopard can’t change its spots. I reckon that goes for cheaters, too.
WHAT WOULD YOUR LAST NAME BE IF YOU MARRIED THE LAST PERSON YOU TEXTED?
HOW OFTEN DO YOU STRAIGHTEN YOUR HAIR?
I just got it bent! Bent hair? Done that!
DO YOU LOOK DECENT WHEN YOU WAKE UP?
No, I look sharp.
DO YOU GET JEALOUS EASILY?
Only if I have a reason. And, brother, have I had reasons!
WHAT SHOULD YOU BE DOING?
I should be counting last night’s lottery winnings. But I ain’t!
DESCRIBE HOW YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW IN ONE WORD.
WERE YOU MAD WHEN YOU WOKE UP THIS MORNING?
As a hatter!
IS THERE ANYBODY YOU WISH YOU COULD BE SPENDING TIME WITH RIGHT NOW?
I wouldn’t mind seeing if Madge was still soaking in it.
HAS ANYONE WALKED OUT OF YOUR LIFE RECENTLY?
No, they all run. Funny about that.
WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU'VE READ?
“The Egyptian Book of the Dead” or maybe something by Martha Stewart.
WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
“Village of the Damned” and “Lassie Come Home.” Double feature.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SANG JINGLE BELLS?
1969. That was the year I declared Jihad on all Christmas songs.
IF YOU GOT TO BE THE AGE YOU ARE IN ANY YEAR WHAT YEAR WOULD IT BE?
You means I got’s a choice?
WHAT’S YOUR NAME?
I’m Bob. It’s 2009. The president is Obama. Geez! I’ve been down this road before.
DO YOU LIKE MARSHMALLOWS?
You’d like me to say, “Yes, sir, and I’d like S’more.” But I don’t and I won’t.
WHAT’S SOMETHING THAT PISSES YOU OFF?
Bad punctuation. [It’s O.K. I fixed it.]
WHAT’S YOUR PET PEEVE ABOUT YOURSELF?
That I always answer surveys truthfully. No matter what. And that’s the God’s honest truth. Prolly.
HOW DO YOU SPELL DOUGHNUTS/DONUTS?
Sorry. Couldn’t quite make out the question. My eyes were glazed.
DO YOU HAVE A CAT?
Why? You want one?
HOW MANY MORE DAYS UNTIL SCHOOL STARTS?
It’s already started, darlin’. I got my schoolin’ on the streets. Where does that street go? I been here 50 years and I ain’t seen it go nowhere. Yuk yuk yuk!
WHERE ARE YOU?
I’m Bob. It’s 2009. The president is Obama. Geez! I’ve been down this road before. Don’t tell me this is Kansas!
DO YOU HAVE ANY CURRENT CUTS OR BRUISES?
I had a nasty hematoma yesterday, I have a few lacerations today, and tomorrow I expect to lose a digit.
WHEN’S THE LAST TIME YOU WENT TO THE BEACH?
Didn’t you see me in that Monet pic?
WHO'S THE LAST FRIEND YOU SAW?
I don’t know. I asked for volunteers ...
WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST FAVORITE BAND?
I don’t know. I went to Northern Europe last year. Maybe a Lapp Band?
ARE YOU CHEWING GUM RIGHT NOW?
No. But I think I brought up a cud. So I think I’ll spit.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NEXT?