Monday, July 25, 2005

Correspondence: Summer, 2005

… 15, my oldest niece is too old to enjoy that modest pleasure. We were inseparable when she was little, but now she doesn’t have much time for me. She was a willful little girl, but now I would swear she was the spawn of Satan. I don’t know how to relate to a teen-age female.

I don’t know why she had six. It seems imprudent. I sort of lost interest after the first four or five. (Maybe not four, because four and five were twins.) And I do have trouble remembering names. I told my niece (12 year old) that from now on, I’m just going to start each sentence to the kids with, “Why, you little ...”

Sullen?! Just you wait. It gets worse.

Only my oldest two niece/nephews have begun the puberty thing, though the 12-year-old is wearing a training bra. I don’t know how one would train for something one’s body already knows how to do with no help at all, but I guess it’s one of those female mysteries that I am not privy to yet. I still run across one I haven’t heard about before, now and then.

My nephew (14) has a little peach fuzz mustache and his voice is changing. You can’t help but laugh at him.

I go and play with the kids now and then, but I don’t have the stamina I used to. I don’t know whose idea it was for me to fight all six kids from youngest to oldest, but that one hurt. I can still beat them one-on-one, but if they team up, I’m a goner. I swear they coordinate their attacks with clicks and whistles like some band of aboriginal hunters, and I founder like some luckless mammoth.

Thursday, July 7, 2005

Bob: A Profile

About Me
I enjoy smarties with nice gams, long drives in the breezer and getting bent on bootleg hooch. I’m a heeler, but I still enjoy a night with a Jane at the juice joint if I’ve got the jack. On my next vacation, I am going to the ’20s. Voh-doh-doh-dee-oh-doh.

What do I do in my spare time? I like to spend time hanging out with friends being raucous and unruly. I like to write amusing doggerel. I engage in the occasional art project. I sit in bars and talk to folks on the weekend. ... I know the words to stupid songs. I play the harmonica badly. I speak in Muppet and cartoon voices to my cats and they don’t think I’m weird. ... I once would have said I read a great deal, but now I seem to spend a lot of time surfing the Internet and e-mailing people. ... I would love to learn to paint. Sometimes I wish I could sing. I wish I could Charleston or swing dance. Someday I might write the great American novel. ... I’ve always wanted to be voice talent for a cartoon, but now that I’m in a career where that could actually happen, I’m scared to give it a try. ... When I win the lottery, I’m going to build a Victorian house and have people over.

Marketing/Communications. I sold out to the Man.

I thrill to the swingin’ sounds of the ’20s.

I enjoy Harold Lloyd, Buster Keaton, Charlie Chaplin and the like. You don’t see many like them at the flickers these days.

I’m not a devoted TV watcher, but I enjoy SciFi Channel; TVLand; History Channel; Discovery; TLC; Star Trek. The Simpsons makes me titter like a school girl.

Last Great Book I Read
I haven’t read any great books lately. I’ve read a few good ones and a few that failed to gratify my literary yearnings. I enjoyed “K-PAX” by Gene Brewer and “Zod Wallop” by William Browning Spencer for leisure reading. In a more serious mood, I’ll pick up anything by Umberto Eco. Anything that isn’t a proposal or script for a fast food company is always a welcome read.

Kermit the Frog and, to a lesser extent, Bugs Bunny. You can imagine my inner turmoil (of course you know, this means war.)

Most Humbling Moment
An American bald eagle, the proud symbol of our great nation, once took a dump on my shoe. I’ve got pictures.

Who I’d Like to Meet
You, if you’re in black and white. And preferably silent.

Best or Worst Lie I’ve Ever Told
I’m in marketing. I don’t lie. I embellish.