Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Bear Truth

I've never seen Gummi Bears in the wood,
But I like to eat them because they’re so good.
I like the reds and the orange, the greens and the yellows,
I love to chew on those sweet little fellows!
I like the way that they stick to your teeth,
The ones on the top and the ones down beneath.
You may think Gummi Bears without merit,
Not I, by gum ... I just grin and bare it.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Another Saturday Night

Let’s do tonight’s Blow’em in Common Meter again.  We had so much fun last time.

For example:

I can think of no way better
To waste a boring night
Than cast off the chains that fetter,
Unleash my brain and write.

I turn to you, my Facebook friends
To join me at my game.
Combined, our talent knows no end.
Sometimes that is a shame.

So tell me what you’ve done today.
With whom did you converse?
Tell what you did at work or play
Both pleasant and perverse.


I know I’m not the only one
Alone this rainy night.
It’s only Ten! We’ve just begun!
Won’t someone join this fight?


I had to work this Saturday
Yet it helped to pay the bills
I hauled and swept and scrubbed for pay
and had money left for swill

... I oft times get what I need these days
And I strive to gracious be ....
There are so many times and so many ways
To my own Self ... Be Free!

Stuff still goes wrong, I will admit
Perfection isn’t gained ....
Letting go of all the bull#%@&...
is all that true remains ...

I wish that this were funnier
I’m usually good for that
please make this stream more sunnier
no split, but much more splat …


I am so glad you did drop in.
I was feeling lonely.
I thought I’d have to race sloe gin
But now I pace you only.

Things go wrong?  It must be so!
Your nerves, they must be frayed!
The owl’s hoot portends times of woe.
Mercury in retrograde.


April should get a nice gold star
for reading and at least trying
we all know she surpasses the bar
of her weariness, she ain’t lying …


I have known April a few years
She always gets a star.
Shame on me, I’m in arrears
I know she is bizarre.


My brain is dead, i must confess
for i can think of naught.
My rhymes are such a sorry mess
this one, on line, i bought.


The brain you bought will have to do
To keep your thoughts on track. …

... My brain, it wandered. Oooh!
I think I’m going to yak.


don’t worry if you go off track
or sticking to the thread.
But, i’m glad you didn’t yak
Your ’puter keys don’t need to be fed.

...(and, yeah, i know the rhythm’s off
just had to quickly say it.
and now i started this stupid throw off
and can’t finish it for ... )


blah blah blah blah
something about sheep
Blah blah blah blah
I’m a gonna sleep.


You must not quit now, Good Sir,
Since I’ve just joined the fray.
Alas, I fear he’s gone to sleep.
Shhhh, we’ll play another day.


Here we go, I’m awake again.
Let’s start where we left off.
We’ll give this thing another spin
And let the scoffers … scoff.


i guess i have arrived in time
to join this good pursuit.
i’m glad for that, i’m here to rhyme.
Too bad we won’t get loot.


You won’t get loot, i’m sad to say
but you get bragging rights
And if you have a horn to toot
That would be out-a-sight.


Of brass, no horn i have, i fear,
i never learned that skill.
But what have i for the world to hear?
On kazoo, i’m told i kill.


And kill you do, my little friend
No matter what you toot.
This stupid verse you do transcend
Your rhymes are quite astute.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Meter Made In Heaven

Well, it’s time for another Blow’em*. Everybody is welcome to play. Everybody who does play has his or her name added to the official “List of People Who Have Participated in Blow’ems,” and will be tagged in all future Blow’ems.

Tonight’s Blow’em will be in Common Meter.

Common Meter consists of four lines which alternate between iambic tetrameter (four feet per line, with each foot consisting of an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed syllable) and iambic trimeter (three feet per line, with each foot consisting of an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed syllable), rhyming in the pattern a-b-a-b.

For example:

I’m bored right now, be sure of that,
It is my Sunday curse.
Let’s write some stuff, ennui combat
And waste some time with verse.

It’s not real great, but it is fun …
It beats a good swift kick.
Lay on, MacDuff, we’ve just begun
So, come on make it quick!

Still don’t get the hang of it? Sing it to the tune of “Amazing Grace” or “The Ballad of Gilligan’s Island.” You’ll catch on.

*Blow’em: (n.) A Blog Poem of collective authorship conceived in 2009.


Linda G.
General Malaise addressed the troops
for they were in a funk
At ease he said, for he was looped
Come on, let’s all get drunk!

Linda G.
Amazing Blow’em, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was bored but now have found
this meter sets me free!

And drunk the soldiers all became
And even drunker still.
On gin or rum ’twas all the same –
The gen’ral paid the bill.

It’s not true what they always say
Ah! It makes me shiver.
A stomach’s not the Army’s way,
It travels on its liver!

(I know! You’re right! This is some fun –
I feel like I have wings!
We’ve got the doldrums on the run
With cabbages and kings!)

i cannot fathom the point of it all,
this poetry galore
and i think you have some gall
to make our brains so sore.

But, somehow this game intrigues
my funked out head, indeed
though i confess to being fatigued
i’ll drink and take no heed.

For drinking is my bestest friend
my dear olde, bosom pal
My woes and strife he does attend
and ever more he shall.

The writing is going down
to that i must confess
so i’ll lay here upon the ground
in this (warm) pile of my own mess.

Linda G.
By George, I think we’ve got it now
and so we raise a toast
to having fun, for knowing how
what makes us laugh the most!

i’m glad you’re laughing, but i for one
am crying in my beer*
for laughter i shall surely shun
as i cower in my fear.

(*beer used solely as a rhyming substitute for gin/tonic/limeade concoction.)

What’s up with you? connect the dots –
Why do you cry and cower?
Just be like me and do more shots!
Booze is my super power.

Linda F.
a weirdness came upon them then
strange lights danced in the sky
insanity or alien
or too much whiskey rye?

Linda F.
some soldiers medals heavy hung
on well-worn old lapels
much battle seen, no longer young
wise stories there to tell.

Linda F.
so gather round and grab a glass
and throw your poison back
don’t sit and wait for days to pass
the world cannot you lack

Linda F.
not only do I turn a phrase
I twist and mangle too
a sad attempt the bar to raise
please someone save me! DO!

Linda G.
Linda, indeed you raise the bar
what need have you to fret?
You honor all that’s come before
So please do NOT regret!!!!

You’re doing great, so I declare,
I’m glad to have you play.
It’s early yet, so hear my prayer,
Please don’t you go away!

There’s lots more things for us to say
In verses that transfix.
I think you’ve made my night today,
Making words do tricks.

that’s what i like about this Facebook thing;
we sit alone and drink
yet alkies we’re not, for we do sing*
with our friends upon the brink

(* sing is a substitution for type. sue me.)”

Linda G.
To sue George is a waste of time
No money will ensue
We drink, we type, we sing sublime
What else have we to do?

Linda F.
before is still so much of now
like rope that spans a bridge
expanding light my truest vow
to leap from ridge to ridge!

wow, Linda, you make it sound
like poetry to my ears
i think i’ll need another round
to bring such beauty to my fears.

I think, for me, it’s poetry
But meant more for the eyes.
I think that we can both agree
It still makes her seem wise.

Wise indeed, and erudite
(i’ve used a great big word)
i’m merely doing poetry lite
not soaring like a bird.

I understand, that’s why we’re here
Just for a bit of fun.
We’re not writing any Shakespeare,
It’s Doggerel 101.

Linda F.
aww shucks, I don’t know what to say
I’m speechless I believe
it’s just this kind of formal phrase
that gets it out of me.

A poem is a useful tool,
when you’re down and out and poor –
Flashbacks of a drunken fool
who cannot find the door.

I have been down, I have been out,
And God knows that I’m poor.
It’s that drunken part that I’m about,
Supine here on the floor.

iambic meter on sticky nights
is fun, I do agree
but though I try with all my might
I forgot I have to pee.

Linda F.
perfiddely and doogle mush
per quantum magnum zore
on hasher dancer pixen kush
for vloddenambly lore.

“I can’t understand you, love,
Because your words sound queer.
But, still, you are a cut above,”
I said it with a Lear.

Linda F.
I’m listing fast i must admit
I’m calling it a day
I really hate to have to quit
but, thanks, ’twas fun to play! :)

Good night, sweet dreams, and fare thee well!
I think the cows came home.
I must, I think, relax a spell
But thanks for all the pomes.

“Drink this potion,” she said to he
And down his throat it went
And she was glad to find that he
Found out what “blow ’em” meant.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

A Barnacle Bill-y Holiday

Thread I: Main Theme

For 24 hours, everything I say online will be to the tune of “Barnacle Bill the Sailor.” Won’t you join me?

“Why would I do a thing like that?” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Why e-mail when you could chat?” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Why sing and rhyme and waste my time?
Why do you care it’s on my dime?
Now it’s your turn, so in you chime,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

Linda G.
I ride the wave, I moan, I whine...
I contemplate, I take my time
So sue me for my rhymin’ crime said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

“But I like the way you moan,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Your whining makes me feel at home,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Your sense of rhyme is quite astute
Despite your name and ill repute
And tongue of frog and eye of newt,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

i think you’re daft, i think you’re wack, i think you’re just the oddest quack.
i wonder why you have to try to put things in in this patter.
But if you want, i’ll play along, says Barnacle Bill in the white trash trailer.

“I’ve got poison ivy on my arms,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Tea Tree Oil has limited charms,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Lesson learned is to shake my head,
Not work outside with the man I wed.
Now a crossword puzzle then off to bed,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

“I think April may have won,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“And we’d only just begun,” said Barnacle Bill the sailor.
“Boy, she nailed it out of the gate,
The kind of response I ’preciate
Time for bed? I can relate,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

Linda G.
But tomorrow is another day ... said yada yada yada.

“I did this some years ago” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Really cheesed a girl I know,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“But once I start, I cannot stop
I’ll go once more around the block
Even if it’s one o’clock,” Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

Mr. C.
“Now you’ve put me on the spot,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“I cannot think when it’s so hot,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“You’ve challenged me to speak in verse,”
“The beers I’ve drunk just make it worse,”
“I only sought to slake my thirst”
“Why did you stick me with this curse?” asked Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

“Welcome back, Mr. C,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Your words they mean so much to me,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“I’m glad you had a lovely trip
It’s time you stopped and had a nip
Sit down to type and let ’er rip,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

Who’s that mocking at your pour? Who’s that mocking at your pour?
Who’s that mocking at your pour? I don’t know because I’m fadin’.

“I guess it is beer you choose,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Me, I guess I’ll stick with booze,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“And though I might be up all night
I will write to my delight
Until I’ve quite fought the fight,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

“What brought this on, i wonder?” asked Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Too much free time, lack of plunder?” asked Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“But as a man of the sea
Time is never scarce to me
I’ll sing my rhymes, ’cuz i live free,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

“What brought it on, indeed,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“A gallon of whiskey and too much weed,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“But it really gets in your head,
It’s the strangest thread I’ve ever read,
Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

“So much booze, not enough drugs,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Tap the barrel, and pass the mug,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Half a day until you land,
I’d gladly lend my helping hand,
Drink until you’re merry, man” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor

“I’ve drunk until my heart’s content,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“God bless my soul, I repent,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“I swear off booze, I swear off beer,
It sounds severe, but I’m sincere,
But only ’til tonight, I fear,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

“I wish you luck in that endeavor,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor
“But to lay off the juice altogether?” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor
“I’ve seen no bolder men,
For i doubt any’d begin
To try and stop sipping gin!” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor

“Lad, I think that you are right,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“I don’t have a Mad Dog in this fight,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“I know that I have drunken plenty,
God knows I’ve spent a pretty penny;
Why stop now? Hindsight’s 20/20,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

Stop! Stop! I have work to do!!

“All good things must come to an end,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“But not right now, so I contend,” Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Each little verse, more time devours,
Each clever quip, my ego empowers,
Let’s give it just a few more hours,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


Thread II: FNR E-Mails

Jan wants to come down and do an FNR this Friday. You up for dinner and a (few) drink (s) ?

“I can make it Friday night,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“I’m sure your company will delight,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“But maybe I should eat before
I go and show up at your door
I’m ’fraid that’s because I’m poor,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

i understand your trip said BB the S
i’m in the same ship said BB the S
But something must be worked out said BB the S
or talking all night will make me shout said BB the S

i’d like to think we can make it cheap said BB the S
we’ll count our coins to see what we reap said BB the S
so our blood we won’t have to sell said BB the S
we can just eat Taco Bell. said BB the S

“I can swing Taco Bell” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“If you won’t ask, I won’t tell,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“I like their beans, I like their cheese
I like their birds, I like their bees,
Their burr-itos I like to squeeze,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

don’t know if Jan will dig the Bell said BB the S
but something similar would be swell said BB the S
we’ll eat something yummy good
something that’s in the ’hood
and dream expensive (as if we could) said BB the S

“Could be chicken’s just as good,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“And you’ve got some in the hood,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“We’ll find something, there’s no doubt
Because that’s what we’re all about
We’ll dine in or Carie out,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

(23 more hours of this? I think I can do it.)

Carie’s out, that’s for sure said BB the S
she’ll be gone and can’t be lured said BB the S
So, chicken, pig, or sacred cow
we’ll maybe eat Kung Pow said BB the S

“Did you ask her really nice?” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“A simple ‘please’ will not suffice,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“We’ll play the cards that we’ve been dealt,
I hope she wears her safety belt,
Her absinthe will be keenly felt,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


Thread III: Billie Holiday

Video: “Strange Fruit”; Billie Holiday

“That’s the music that I like,” It’s Barnacle Billie Holiday.
“It was good back then, it’s good today,” It’s Barnacle Billie Holiday.
“As singers go, she stands alone
She’s got soul down to the bone
God bless the child that’s got her own,” It’s Barnacle Billie Holiday.

… Bob, please write me a Barnacle Bill poem

“I’ve only got twelve hours to go,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“I hope that you’ve enjoyed the show,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“This is harder than I’d guessed
But hopefully, you are impressed
For I clearly am obsessed,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

Barnacle Bob, you rock!

“I guess I just have too much time,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“But I’m glad to have a partner in crime,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“I’m having fun, I will admit
Though I submit it’s not legit,
As poems go, it’s not worth spit,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


Thread IV: Feed a Child

Bob says, “Feed a child, starve a beaver. Or is it the other way around?”

Why don’t we cook the beaver and feed it to the child?

“You obviously haven’t tasted beaver,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Or you would be a firm believer,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“And you would do what I once did
For lack of meat, God Forbid,
I married the beaver and ate the kid,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


Thread V: Dating Life

Bob says, “You think your dating life is rough? Stalk a while in *my* shoes!”

Linda G.
… said Barnacle Bill the Sailor?

“I wrote that before, so it don’t count,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“As time goes by, the tensions mount,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Even though I counted sheep
I was writing these in my sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


Thread VI: Good Match

Bob said, “I had a date last night. She was hot … but she didn’t strike me as a good match.”

... said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

“I said before that was pre-wrote,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Don’t think that you can get my goat,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“I’ve already done so many of these
That I crank them out with ease
In twos and threes or by degrees,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

Linda F.
Perhaps you need lighter fare

“This lady is nothing I can’t handle,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“She’s the one that lights my candle,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“I’ve laid it on both loud and thick,
I know what used to do the trick,
I need someone to moisten the wick,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


Thread VII: Whiz Kid

Bob says, “When I was little, they called me a whiz kid. I used to pee a lot.”

You ladies seem to be handling this one.

“On that point we both agree,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“They hold their own and so do we,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“But you know I’ve just begun
I'm not one to be outdone
When it comes to number one,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


Thread VIII: Main Theme Reprise

Thanks for knocking at my door! Thanks for knocking at my door!
Thanks for knocking at my door! And thank you all for playing!

“But that’s as much as I can stand,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“I think our supply exceeded demand,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Your verses certainly did beguile,
Your doggerel has made me smile,
You can bet this goes in the file,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

“We took a premise and wrung it dry,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“But now it’s time we said goodbye,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“The idea itself was pretty tough,
And you really know your stuff,
But I, for one, have had enough” … said Abdul Abulbul Amir!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

My Haiku

A haiku is too hard to write
And really no fun to recite.
I should stick with this meter,
It’s charming and sweeter
For all that it’s hackneyed and trite.

Who even wants to read a haiku?
They’re boring and all alike, too.
I’ll take up my pen
And try it again,
But I’m afraid this will be my strike two.

I’ll give my haiku one final whirl,
As my poetical sails I unfurl.
But I tell you, my friend,
I’m tacking into the wind …
Still, maybe I’ll come up with a pearl:

Too few syllables …
It’s just not in my nature
Damn thing doesn’t rhyme.

And, here we go!

I can’t even write a haiku
Even one ending in Moo!
I’m doing my best here
To lend you some good cheer
But a limerick is all I can do....

That’s not a bad try
In the middle of the night.
It beats jerking off.

I just can’t do it.
It just works in Japanese;
I’m Indonesian.

Your words speak to me
Of beaches in the moonlight.
Haikus are still lame.

I write them only
To wish others good birthdays
On their Facebook walls.

I’m afraid my friends
Face their birthdays without me.
’Cause I hate people.

Spondee, trochee and
Iambic pentameter
Are superior.

Better than haiku
Unless you read Japanese.
I tell you I don’t.

I gave it my best
In an awkward sort of way
It didn’t say Moo!

Again with the cow!
Let’s put the past behind us
And eat more chikin.

A pair of haikus
Working together as one
Could be of some use
With the right rhyme scheme.
If it could only be done ...
Impossible dream.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Vagabond Haven Destroyed. 45 Drifters Killed

EUGENE, Ore. (Reuters) – Long considered dormant, Big Rock Candy Mountain erupted unexpectedly Friday at 5:49 p.m. PDT causing the deaths of 45 migrant laborers. The eruption, which could be felt as far away as Portland, was the most destructive volcanic event in the contiguous 48 states since Mount St. Helens exploded on May 18, 1980.

A favorite destination for hoboes due to its unique ecosystem, Big Rock Candy Mountain was one of the few places in the U.S. where a bum could stay for many a day and not need any money. Those killed were part of a group of bindlestiffs who had been encamped -- or "jungling" -- near the mountain for several weeks.

The blast, which was some 1,600 times more powerful than the nuclear warhead dropped on Hiroshima, ejected enough confectioner’s sugar to cover the island of Manhattan to a depth of 18 feet and leveled cigarette trees up to 20 miles from the crater. The resulting plume reached a height of 15 miles.

The damage to the environment surrounding the mountain was extensive and the effects will be felt for decades. One lake of stew and one of whiskey, too, were completely destroyed. Experts predict it will take years for milk and honey to return to the area.

The last major eruption of a candy mountain was in 1849 in Hershey, Penn.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Twitter Change

I’ve just changed my ID on Twitter
Because I’m that kind of critter.
My words may ring hollow,
But feel free to follow.
Just remember, I’m no heavy hitter.


I changed my Twitter again,
I needed a good nom de … pen.
I know it rings hollow
Since no one will follow,
But now I’m “BobSays.” Amen.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

To Have. And to Hold.

Oh, he liked his romances varied.
For years, a young woman he harried.
A rakish young fellow, made knees turn to Jell-O.
It’s too bad the guy was still married.

“You’re my only true love,” he once told her.
“The sight of you makes my heart smolder.
The thought of your kiss invokes transports of bliss!
From my wife, I get the cold shoulder.”

“Though my marriage is nothing but strife,
I’ll have one more go with my wife.
But if our future’s in doubt, I’ll come try you out.
And you know I commit for life.”

“It’s over — I am no longer wed.
And when everything’s all done and said,
There’s no need for remorse, it’s a happy divorce,
And I’d rather be with you instead.”

“I’m afraid that I’ve changed my mind.
How could I be so stupid and blind?
You were only a fad; my wife’s not that bad,
And our fates are surely entwined.”

“Oh! What a mistake I have made.
You are the one I’ve betrayed!
It’s over … it’s through, because next to you
My wife just can’t make the grade.”

“I don’t know! I just can’t decide.
My One True Love or my bride?
Oh, why can’t I roam — have a wife safe at home
And still keep you on the side?”

“No … it’s you that I want, I am sure,
So lovely and chaste and demure.
I’ll do whatever it takes — my heart, how it aches! —
I am certain our love can endure.”

“I’ll woo you with flowers and song.
You know I can do nothing wrong.
Here’s my plan of attack: you keep coming back,
And I’ll continue to string you along.”

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Limerick Junction

A limerick is a quaint little verse
Which requires one to keep one’s words terse.
It’s a poetic device
That keeps thoughts concise
With rhymes that are clearly perverse.

And away we go! ...

I thought I was the short poem master
But my hubris has been brought to disaster
For this delicious confection
Of ironic introspection
Shows me your poetic leetness is much vaster.

Of course I can’t be outdone,
But I welcome a partner in fun.
For it would be grand
Our scope to expand
And two heads are better than one.

I’d gladly submit a donation
Of my poems for your consideration
But a fear leaps to mind
Our talents combined
Might lead to poetic abomination.

The damage is already done
And gets worse with each single pun.
I bow to the master,
Your vocab is vaster.
Can you finish what we have begun?

Linda F.  
So much for linguistic gymnastics
It would seem that the ultimate fact is
That I am the greatest
Albeit the latest
Let’s face it, my rhyme is fantastic.

Welcome to our little word game.
Come try to put our verses to shame.
We’ll give you a chance
To make your words dance
’Cause your rhymes aren’t bad for a dame. 

Linda G.  
There once was a dame from Nantucket
She wrote rhymes, played guitar, hell she plucked it.
Sometimes she did rob
Her dear friend we’ll call Bob
Who always just said ... “What the fuck it!”

It’s true! You always feel free
To take anything you might see.
When you’re in the groove
It just goes to prove
Neither a borrower nor Linda be.

What is this, the amateur hour?
Come, witness my lim’ricking pow’r!
I’ve learned from my wife
There’s no better po’try in life
Than a limerick, so y’all should go’n cower.

Our talent is just playing possum,
I’m sure one day it will blossom.
But, until then
We’d do well to ken
Our buddy Dan Shields is still awesome.

Two punsters named Bob and Joe
Wrote limericks highbrow and low.
They dueled with the word
Till nothing was heard
But laughter from people they know.

How we parry and how we riposte
To see who can lim’rick the most.
And on Joe’s behalf,
I say have a good laugh!
And, with my permission, re-post.

So I tried to take your suggestion
And repost this limerick confection
But software’s perverse
And the original verse
Is all that made the transition.

The writing we’ve done was so brisk
That I just couldn’t accept the risk
That Facebook would eat
Or somehow delete,
So I saved whole corpus to disk.

This is interesting, I’ll admit,
Though so difficult that I could spit.
So I’m glad I’m not in
Singapore. Then again,
I would likely be thrown in a pit.

Now I’m tired and going to bed
As this contest has messed with my head
There are images twirling
And I feel like hurling.
Then again, could be lies, what I’ve said.

Your foresight in saving this thread
Shows that you think ahead.
Now I can link
To this post, I think.
The fun will be simpler to spread.

I love this contest of Rhyming
I copied each verse
It was morosely perverse
But you need to practice the timing.

We established a poetic rapport
And created some verses hardcore.
Your response was dismaying,
And thank you for playing,
Your rhymes were really top drawer.

Monday, March 8, 2010

I Kid You Not (Revised Version)

I’ve never had a wife or child
Though I’m over forty now.
I’d love to let my genes run wild
But, danged if I know how.

But, I saw a girl I used to know
Then I went and chased her.
“Don’t run away! I’m friend, not foe …
Come, use my turkey baster!”

“Come back to me, my One True … Like.
I only wish to procreate!
I need someone to bear my tyke …
Come back before you ovulate!”

“Oh, I sense some hesitation.
This has ever been my doom!
I didn’t make a reservation
And you have a private womb.”

So my seed remains unsown.
I guess I’ll never reproduce.
Parental joys remain unknown
And I’ll die an old recluse.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

To Wit

Whereby notwithstanding, against forthwith wherefores,
Thereby obstruct said herewith whys because of my therefores.
Howsoever they might albeit, withal I mayhap see,
Inasmuch as I’m foresworn, whatsoever, shall it be.

For therein lie my herebys which were heretofore my whereins,
And ever hence the words I speak shall be all full of swear ins.
But know all men by these presents — I promise and affirm —
The above shall be regarded null and void. Hereinafter.

To whom it may concern.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

I'd Like a Second Opinion

I consulted Dr. Seuss on a matter of great importance.
He made a Hat-in-Cat Scan of my Whys and Whos and Hortons.

He said, “You have a cooter-pooter,” and he asked for my permission.
“You're going to feel a little prick, but you’ll be in remission.”

I should say I did not like it. I do not care how it appears!
It’s not covered by my insurance, and now I’m in arrears.

Friday, January 29, 2010

I'm Just Scratching the Surface (because that's where it itches)

I am uniquely superficial in the way I act and speak,
And my emotions artificial for six days out of the week.
Oh, I say odd stuff and nonsense just to hear the way I sound,
Without affect or pretense, how the wisecracks they abound.
They flee my tongue like flocks of birds, all migrating south.
Meaningless, my witty words! I just cannot shut my mouth.
That “me” who felt, he up and died. I'm unmoved by grief or woe!
I’m laughing on the outside, and that’s as deep as I will go.
But please don’t think ill of me; I’ve got catharsis by the throat!
Every seventh day I set it free … I pull the shades, and I emote.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

A Tail of Chew Kitties

My little cat bit his tail
And then he kept on chewing.
He went at it tooth and nail.
He didn’t know what he was doing.

He chewed upon his tail all day,
Chewed well into the night.
I didn’t know just what to say.
I knew it wasn’t right.

He gnawed and gnawed,
Oh, how he bit and swallowed.
He was eating himself, by Gawd!
First tail, then hind legs followed.

He kept on eating without pause,
Past his shoulders, as I feared.
One last gulp – just because –
Then my cat, he disappeared!

I couldn’t believe my cat was gone –
I would miss the little dear.
He’d tangled with that tail – and won.
I’ll admit … I shed a tear.

So, imagine my surprise when,
Two days later, to the second,
I heard my cat meow again!
He’d digested himself, I reckon.

It’s true! The cat was back!
My ravenous little friend ...
He’d eaten himself for a snack,
Then come out his other end!

Now I buy no cat food,
My cat’s a meal that never ends.
Now when he’s in a peckish mood,
I butter up his tail and send him through again!