Monday, September 26, 2005

What I Do for a Living

Hard to pin down really. No, I don’t “do advertising,” and, nope, I don’t “still work at that TV station.” What I do is sell dreams. Well, not really dreams. More like snake oil. We make crap up and put a hefty price tag on it. We’re not “Creative Directors” — we’re poseurs and charlatans. Much like the spiritualists of the 1800s. We haven’t progressed in the past 120 years.

If Brand Communications had existed in the 1800s, it would have been a bunch of Victorians letting the “spirits” speak about “marketing and communications challenges.” What I do for a living would have sounded like this:


Spirits … do you hear me?


We listened to what you asked and offer a unique communications solution designed specifically to suit your needs.


Tell us … is there existence beyond this life?


As you know, we have over 4,000 years experience in successfully addressing challenges such as yours for mediums, magi and priests worldwide. We look forward to applying this expertise to your question in a fun, engaging and exciting way.


Tell us … what it is like beyond?


In considering your question, we would like to suggest the theme: “Dead to Rights.” “Dead to Rights” represents an experiential program that allows your target audience to “live” through death firsthand.

The first thing your audience will experience is a total cessation of all biological functions. This, after a brief registration process during which each guest — or “ghost” if you will — is issued a harp and pair of sleek, aerodynamic wings with a lift capacity of up to 350 pounds, will allow their life-force access to the venue.

Each guest will follow a long tunnel while experiencing a sense of great euphoria. Guests will walk toward a light directing them toward a divine ballroom set in crescent rounds — a nod to your Moslem attendees — and dominated by a stage set with a giant RP screen and a burning bush. A hazer simulates clouds, creating an environment that reinforces the message that the attendees have risen above the concerns of their mortal existence.

The opening general session begins with a module in which each attendee’s life flashes before his eyes. This is followed by a VOG introduction and opening remarks by St. Peter.

The program also includes a financial report by Charon, the ferryman of the dead, with an accounting of coins collected for passage across the river Styx and a lengthy PowerPoint presentation on prophet and loss; legal information delivered by Daniel Webster and a brief marketing message from Jesus Christ.

After the general session, attendees will attend breakout sessions grouped by religion (Atheists may help themselves to coffee in the pre-function area), followed by a lunch of soul food which will be delivered.

After lunch, attendees reconvene in the ballroom, which has been reconfigured in classroom-style seating. This session includes a training workshop which educates and informs attendees on the roles and responsibilities of being deceased. As the session ends, the attendees exit to the haunting melody of Mozart’s Requiem en masse.

After this second general session, guests are given free time during which they are encouraged to explore the venue, manifest as apparitions before the living or walk the earth in unrest.

When free time has ended, attendees are invited to attend the formal awards banquet. The menu will consist of loaves, fishes and Sacrificial Lamb, and an open bar will provide a choice of Ambrosia or the Blood of Christ. A variety of desserts will be offered including Angel Food Cake and Death by Chocolate.

During the awards ceremony, the heavenly host will begin by awarding special halos to those who have risen above and beyond, then he will name the New Messiah and will end with the special “Bless Your Heart” award.

Following the awards, the evening entertainment begins as the Heavenly Choir performs a medley of hymns and guests are invited to the dance floor to shuffle off their mortal coils. As the evening draws to a close, the Almighty will offer some final remarks leading, finally, to his call to inaction.

Attendees then exit to experience an eternity of bliss.

An alternate theme you might consider is “Well … I’ll Be Damned.” I can flesh out the creative at your request.


At what cost may we attain this life after life?


The cost is your mortal soul.


O! Spirit … we thank you for your words from the other side. We like your creative, but the cost is too high. We must review other bids. Farewell, O Spirit, farewell!