Friday, November 11, 2005

I’ve Got a Right to Sling the Booze

“It’s my birthday today,” the gentleman said as he bellied up to the bar,
His tie was askew, his nose was all red, and his eyes were black as coal tar.
“So here I have come with no time to waste for a glass of your finest Merlot.
Just a touch — a smidgen, a taste — and then I really must go.”

“A jolly old wine,” the man averred, “And what a lovely bouquet!
I’ll take one more and then, on my word, I really must be away.
So tasty this wine! I’d sample a third, but I’ve really no time to lose.
Oh, what the Hell! But I think you misheard — this time I’d rather have booze.”

“A gamut of gimlets, if you’d be so kind, for whiskey and scotch I abhor.
Then I’ll be off, I’m sure you won’t mind … my, what a generous pour!
Again with the gin!” was the tippler’s call, “I’m starting to warm to this place.
It’s my birthday, it is, and I’m having a ball!” he said, a big boozy flush to his face.

The bartender warned, “Have a care! You don’t know what that much will do.”
But the man, he chose not to beware and kept on swilling her brew.

“’Smy birthday today!” the man again told her, “I think I deserve a small drink
Just to affirm that I’m older … I can have another snort, doncha think?
I like you … you’re a nice lady. And I like the way you pour gin.
Say! What’s your name? Katie? Kate, how ’bout you hit me again!”

“I think I’d like to sit here a while and enjoy a cocktail or two.
I’ll sit on this stool and bask in your smile. So, Katie — what’s up with you?
What brings a girl so fragrant and fair to this place so vile and so low?
To breathe this stale cigarette air where these loathsome inebriates go?”

“Katie, ’smy birthday today. It’s time to see what you’ve got.
It’s time we threw caution away — and this time I’ll buy you a shot.
And, of course, I’ll share one with you to show you that I’m not a fake.
I’ll drink anything you can drink, too. I’ll drink any ol’ drink you can make.”

The man showed signs of his drinking — swaying, slurring his speech
Katie made the drinks without thinking. She mixed two mighty shots — one each.

“That’s good! That shot’s a kicker!” He polished it off with ease.
“There’s nothing like a good liquor. I’d like another one, please!”
But, that one drink became two, “Then how ’bout a small splash!
Then — no ’ffense to you — but I’ll have to drink and then dash.”

“I gotta fly out of here like a comet — if you’ll walk me out to my car.
’Cause the truth is I think I might vomit, and I don’t want to barf on your bar.
Just let me lean on your shoulder. Are you kidding? Of course I can drive!
You know, I may be a year older, but I’ve never felt so alive!”

“Thanks, Katie, ol’ pal” was all he could mutter as he settled in at the wheel.
“You’re a g-gem,” she heard the man stutter, “Oh ... I gotta get home for real!
You heard me there, Kate — no question, I really must leave.
You’ve kept me out far, far too late ... and I think I’m getting ready to heave!”

Katie stepped back and let the man go, she watched the pitiful sot leave
The man should not have been driving, though, she sadly watched his car weave.

“I’m the King of Today!” the birthday boy roared as he madly careened down the street.
“I’ve drunk the best drink Man’s hand ever poured, and Katie’s the best you could meet.”
So delighted was he that he floored it, and squealed with delight and with glee.
The oncoming truck, he ignored it — then he slammed right into a tree.

That sound! Why, it was horrendous! The carnage was equally so!
The damage and wounds were tremendous, they were able to find most of him, though.
They carefully took the pieces they found and laid them to rest six feet under.
Now that man is Heavenly bound … Why? It makes a man wonder.

So, take heed when your time comes to revel. Turn down the Merlot and the gin!
I’ve seen it all — on the level! Just turn out the lights and stay in!
It’s not worth your life to make merry, it can be fatal to paint the town red.
Next time could be you that they bury, best not to drink yourself dead.

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