Friday, August 22, 2008

The Wages of Cinema

My friend “Lucky” on MySpace recently posted a blog listing a number of movies she would like to see and challenging her readers to make a list of their own. Drawing on my long years of experience in the TV Listings industry, here are my selections:

Out on a Lamb Chop
(Children) A lovable sock puppet discovers she was a ventriloquist’s dummy in a previous life.

Clash of the Titanic
(Drama) Perseus sinks his fortune in the “unsinkable” Argo only to learn that he has been fleeced. [Yeah, I know … it’s “Jason and the Argonauts,” but it’s all Greek to me. Troy, Troy again, I guess.]

Brokeback to the Future
(Science Fiction) Marty and Doc explore their feelings for one another in the Hill Valley of 1955.

It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad Max
(Comedy) An all-star cast races to find a cache of gasoline buried somewhere in a post-holocaust Australian Outback in this comic tour de force.

Children of a Lesser Godfather
(Drama) Francis Ford Coppola directs this powerful drama that chronicles a family of deaf mobsters over a span of ten years.

Citizen Caine Mutiny
(Drama) A Machiavellian newspaperman weathers a typhoon in 1944 Manhattan.

Singin’ in the Rainman
(Musical) An autistic singer and dancer “definitely” makes the transition from silent films to talkies.

Wild, Wild West Side Story
(Western) Two gunslingers in the 1950s face a gang of murderous teens in New York’s Hell’s Kitchen.

Breakfast Club at Tiffany’s
(Drama) Five eccentric socialites are thrown together and discover that they are five eccentric socialites.

The Grapes of Wrath of Khan
(Science Fiction) A group of genetically enhanced supermen steal a starship in order to flee an ecologically ravaged planet in search of a better life in Oklahoma.

The Princess Bride of Frankenstein
(Comedy) A beautiful young re-animated woman keeps the audience in stitches as she searches for her one true love.

Fiddler on a Hot Tin Roof
(Musical) A Southern family in crisis struggles to hold on their way of life when a melodious eastern European Jewish family moves in next door.

My Fair Lady and the Tramp
(Musical-Animated) A Cocker Spaniel and a mongrel are passed off as royalty by their boorish trainer.

Pee-Wee’s Big Poseidon Adventure
(Comedy) A naïve onanist tries to regain his lost reputation after his career is capsized.

Village of the Damned Yankees
(Musical) A group of sinister British schoolchildren form a Little League baseball team to go head-to-head against the New York Yankees with the help of a crusty old coach.

Cheaper by the Dirty Dozen
(Drama) Personalities clash when a couple tries to raise twelve misfit soldiers in Montclair, New Jersey during World War II.

Flashdances With Wolves
(Drama) A young woman aspires to become accepted by a prestigious dance academy on the frontier during the Civil War.

The Magnificent Seventh Sign
(Thriller) A priest investigates seven mysterious gunmen whose appearance portends the return of Jesus Christ.

Little Orphan Annie Get Your Gun
(Musical) A sharp-shootin’ orphan and her dog thwart a pair of greedy low-brows in Depression-era New York City with the help of a wealthy capitalist.

The Heart is a Lonely Bounty Hunter
(Comedy) A rejected and forgotten deaf-mute pursues four zany misfits to a 1930s mill town in the deep South.

Hard Day’s Night of the Living Dead
(Horror)  Four members of an English rock band are trapped by their own fame in an abandoned farmhouse surrounded by a horde of ghoulish fans.

Blackboard Jungle Book
(Musical-Animated) An infant abandoned in the jungles of India is raised by a group of inner-city hoodlums bent on mayhem.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind Hearts and Coronets
(Science Fiction)  A group of eccentric aliens sets out to systematically murder a family of aristocrats in Edwardian England.

Soylent Green Berets
(Science Fiction)  A newspaper reporter bites off more than he can chew when he investigates the suspicious disappearance of an elite military unit in 1968 Vietnam.

Sitting Bull Durham
(Romantic Comedy) A rookie Indian chief knocks one out of the park when his team goes head to head against General Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.

The Man Who Knew Too Much Ado About Nothing
(Thriller) An American couple traveling in Morocco is caught up in an intricate web of intrigue and manage to stop a wedding that no one cares about.

Barefoot in Gorky Park
(Romantic Comedy) A free-spirited woman and her down-to-earth husband reaffirm their love in the wake of a series of gruesome murders.

Gilligan’s Island of Dr. Moreau
Seven stranded castaways perform a disastrous series of experiments on native wildlife.

Dirty Harry and the Hendersons
A veteran cop tracks a sadistic serial killer with the help of a cryptozoological rookie.

20/20 Thousand Dollar Pyramid
Contestants compete to guess relevant topics of the day.

Dances With Airwolves
A Civil War-era soldier uses a state-of the-art helicopter to aid a band of Sioux on the American frontier.

ALF-red Hitchcock Presents
A wisecracking puppet hosts an anthology of gripping mysteries.

Barney Miller and Friends
A level-headed police captain tries to maintain discipline among a dimwitted dinosaur, a gaggle of unruly children, and Abe Vigoda.

This Old House
A band of do-gooders restore a crotchety old doctor.

All My Children of the Corn
An errant couple meet their end in a cornfield at the hands of unruly children.  And the whole town worries.  Worries.

Moby Dick Van Dyke Show
A successful comedy writer bets his career on the Great White Joke.  And it stinks.


Keith said...

ok, i was rolling along, enjoying the read, but you got me with the last one- too true!

joanne 1953 said...

(Jo & Honey here, now Joanne1953)

All brilliant! My favorites:

Breakfast Club at Tiffany's

Brokeback to the Future.

Plus I am using you as my teacher and guide for slashing wordiness in my list.

Reid Andwright said...

As we used to say in the Listin's biz: "Keep it light, tight and bright."

Rinkly Rimes said...

Nice to meet you!

But I may prove a disappointment! My interest in genealogy is very shallow. My maiden name was Gillbert spelt with two ells, and as soon as I realised that I couldn't trace any ancestors, and had to admit that my background was one of poor spellers who couldn't even spell their own name, I gave up! In a general 'chip off the old block' way I'm interested.

Your ideas for composite film scripts is great (though I haven't seen all the films). Why don't you carry the idea further? Audiences would love allocating the bits.

Thanks for finding me!

Rinkly Rimes said...

Just noticed you clever 'Seen 'Em All' take!