A Barnacle Bill-y Holiday

Thread I: Main Theme


Bob
For 24 hours, everything I say online will be to the tune of “Barnacle Bill the Sailor.” Won’t you join me?


“Why would I do a thing like that?” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Why e-mail when you could chat?” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Why sing and rhyme and waste my time?
Why do you care it’s on my dime?
Now it’s your turn, so in you chime,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


Linda G.
I ride the wave, I moan, I whine...
I contemplate, I take my time
So sue me for my rhymin’ crime said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


Bob
“But I like the way you moan,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Your whining makes me feel at home,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Your sense of rhyme is quite astute
Despite your name and ill repute
And tongue of frog and eye of newt,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


George
i think you’re daft, i think you’re wack, i think you’re just the oddest quack.
i wonder why you have to try to put things in in this patter.
But if you want, i’ll play along, says Barnacle Bill in the white trash trailer.


April
“I’ve got poison ivy on my arms,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Tea Tree Oil has limited charms,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Lesson learned is to shake my head,
Not work outside with the man I wed.
Now a crossword puzzle then off to bed,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


Bob
“I think April may have won,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“And we’d only just begun,” said Barnacle Bill the sailor.
“Boy, she nailed it out of the gate,
The kind of response I ’preciate
Time for bed? I can relate,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


Linda G.
Agreed!
But tomorrow is another day ... said yada yada yada.


Bob
“I did this some years ago” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Really cheesed a girl I know,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“But once I start, I cannot stop
I’ll go once more around the block
Even if it’s one o’clock,” Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


Mr. C.
“Now you’ve put me on the spot,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“I cannot think when it’s so hot,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“You’ve challenged me to speak in verse,”
“The beers I’ve drunk just make it worse,”
“I only sought to slake my thirst”
“Why did you stick me with this curse?” asked Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


Bob
“Welcome back, Mr. C,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Your words they mean so much to me,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“I’m glad you had a lovely trip
It’s time you stopped and had a nip
Sit down to type and let ’er rip,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


Who’s that mocking at your pour? Who’s that mocking at your pour?
Who’s that mocking at your pour? I don’t know because I’m fadin’.


“I guess it is beer you choose,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Me, I guess I’ll stick with booze,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“And though I might be up all night
I will write to my delight
Until I’ve quite fought the fight,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


Jake
“What brought this on, i wonder?” asked Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Too much free time, lack of plunder?” asked Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“But as a man of the sea
Time is never scarce to me
I’ll sing my rhymes, ’cuz i live free,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


Bob
“What brought it on, indeed,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“A gallon of whiskey and too much weed,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“But it really gets in your head,
It’s the strangest thread I’ve ever read,
Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


Jake
“So much booze, not enough drugs,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Tap the barrel, and pass the mug,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Half a day until you land,
I’d gladly lend my helping hand,
Drink until you’re merry, man” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor


Bob
“I’ve drunk until my heart’s content,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“God bless my soul, I repent,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“I swear off booze, I swear off beer,
It sounds severe, but I’m sincere,
But only ’til tonight, I fear,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


Jake
“I wish you luck in that endeavor,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor
“But to lay off the juice altogether?” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor
“I’ve seen no bolder men,
For i doubt any’d begin
To try and stop sipping gin!” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor


Bob
“Lad, I think that you are right,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“I don’t have a Mad Dog in this fight,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“I know that I have drunken plenty,
God knows I’ve spent a pretty penny;
Why stop now? Hindsight’s 20/20,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


Karla
Stop! Stop! I have work to do!!


Bob
“All good things must come to an end,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“But not right now, so I contend,” Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Each little verse, more time devours,
Each clever quip, my ego empowers,
Let’s give it just a few more hours,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


______


Thread II: FNR E-Mails


George
Jan wants to come down and do an FNR this Friday. You up for dinner and a (few) drink (s) ?


Bob
“I can make it Friday night,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“I’m sure your company will delight,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“But maybe I should eat before
I go and show up at your door
I’m ’fraid that’s because I’m poor,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


George
i understand your trip said BB the S
i’m in the same ship said BB the S
But something must be worked out said BB the S
or talking all night will make me shout said BB the S


i’d like to think we can make it cheap said BB the S
we’ll count our coins to see what we reap said BB the S
so our blood we won’t have to sell said BB the S
we can just eat Taco Bell. said BB the S


Bob
“I can swing Taco Bell” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“If you won’t ask, I won’t tell,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“I like their beans, I like their cheese
I like their birds, I like their bees,
Their burr-itos I like to squeeze,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


George
don’t know if Jan will dig the Bell said BB the S
but something similar would be swell said BB the S
we’ll eat something yummy good
something that’s in the ’hood
and dream expensive (as if we could) said BB the S


Bob
“Could be chicken’s just as good,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“And you’ve got some in the hood,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“We’ll find something, there’s no doubt
Because that’s what we’re all about
We’ll dine in or Carie out,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


(23 more hours of this? I think I can do it.)


George
Carie’s out, that’s for sure said BB the S
she’ll be gone and can’t be lured said BB the S
So, chicken, pig, or sacred cow
we’ll maybe eat Kung Pow said BB the S


Bob
“Did you ask her really nice?” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“A simple ‘please’ will not suffice,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“We’ll play the cards that we’ve been dealt,
I hope she wears her safety belt,
Her absinthe will be keenly felt,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.




______


Thread III: Billie Holiday


Video: “Strange Fruit”; Billie Holiday


Bob
“That’s the music that I like,” It’s Barnacle Billie Holiday.
“It was good back then, it’s good today,” It’s Barnacle Billie Holiday.
“As singers go, she stands alone
She’s got soul down to the bone
God bless the child that’s got her own,” It’s Barnacle Billie Holiday.


Jan
… Bob, please write me a Barnacle Bill poem


Bob
“I’ve only got twelve hours to go,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“I hope that you’ve enjoyed the show,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“This is harder than I’d guessed
But hopefully, you are impressed
For I clearly am obsessed,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


Jan
Barnacle Bob, you rock!


Bob
“I guess I just have too much time,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“But I’m glad to have a partner in crime,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“I’m having fun, I will admit
Though I submit it’s not legit,
As poems go, it’s not worth spit,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.




______


Thread IV: Feed a Child


Bob says, “Feed a child, starve a beaver. Or is it the other way around?”


Jan
Why don’t we cook the beaver and feed it to the child?


Bob
“You obviously haven’t tasted beaver,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Or you would be a firm believer,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“And you would do what I once did
For lack of meat, God Forbid,
I married the beaver and ate the kid,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.




______


Thread V: Dating Life


Bob says, “You think your dating life is rough? Stalk a while in *my* shoes!”


Linda G.
… said Barnacle Bill the Sailor?


Bob
“I wrote that before, so it don’t count,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“As time goes by, the tensions mount,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Even though I counted sheep
I was writing these in my sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.




______


Thread VI: Good Match


Bob said, “I had a date last night. She was hot … but she didn’t strike me as a good match.”


George
... said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


Bob
“I said before that was pre-wrote,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Don’t think that you can get my goat,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“I’ve already done so many of these
That I crank them out with ease
In twos and threes or by degrees,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


Linda F.
Perhaps you need lighter fare


Bob
“This lady is nothing I can’t handle,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“She’s the one that lights my candle,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“I’ve laid it on both loud and thick,
I know what used to do the trick,
I need someone to moisten the wick,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.




______


Thread VII: Whiz Kid


Bob says, “When I was little, they called me a whiz kid. I used to pee a lot.”


Keith
You ladies seem to be handling this one.


Bob
“On that point we both agree,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“They hold their own and so do we,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“But you know I’ve just begun
I'm not one to be outdone
When it comes to number one,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.




______


Thread VIII: Main Theme Reprise


Bob
Thanks for knocking at my door! Thanks for knocking at my door!
Thanks for knocking at my door! And thank you all for playing!


“But that’s as much as I can stand,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“I think our supply exceeded demand,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“Your verses certainly did beguile,
Your doggerel has made me smile,
You can bet this goes in the file,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


“We took a premise and wrung it dry,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“But now it’s time we said goodbye,” said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
“The idea itself was pretty tough,
And you really know your stuff,
But I, for one, have had enough” … said Abdul Abulbul Amir!

My Haiku

A haiku is too hard to write
And really no fun to recite.
I should stick with this meter,
It’s charming and sweeter
For all that it’s hackneyed and trite.

Who even wants to read a haiku?
They’re boring and all alike, too.
I’ll take up my pen
And try it again,
But I’m afraid this will be my strike two.

I’ll give my haiku one final whirl,
As my poetical sails I unfurl.
But I tell you, my friend,
I’m tacking into the wind …
Still, maybe I’ll come up with a pearl:

Too few syllables …
It’s just not in my nature
Damn thing doesn’t rhyme.


And, here we go!

Linda
I can’t even write a haiku
Even one ending in Moo!
I’m doing my best here
To lend you some good cheer
But a limerick is all I can do....

Bob
That’s not a bad try
In the middle of the night.
It beats jerking off.

Sandy
I just can’t do it.
It just works in Japanese;
I’m Indonesian.

Bob
Your words speak to me
Of beaches in the moonlight.
Haikus are still lame.

Dan
I write them only
To wish others good birthdays
On their Facebook walls.

Bob
I’m afraid my friends
Face their birthdays without me.
’Cause I hate people.

Sandy
Spondee, trochee and
Iambic pentameter
Are superior.

Bob
Better than haiku
Unless you read Japanese.
I tell you I don’t.

Linda
I gave it my best
In an awkward sort of way
It didn’t say Moo!

Bob
Again with the cow!
Let’s put the past behind us
And eat more chikin.

Bob
A pair of haikus
Working together as one
Could be of some use
With the right rhyme scheme.
If it could only be done ...
Impossible dream.

Vagabond Haven Destroyed. 45 Drifters Killed

EUGENE, Ore. (Reuters) – Long considered dormant, Big Rock Candy Mountain erupted unexpectedly Friday at 5:49 p.m. PDT causing the deaths of 45 migrant laborers. The eruption, which could be felt as far away as Portland, was the most destructive volcanic event in the contiguous 48 states since Mount St. Helens exploded on May 18, 1980.

A favorite destination for hoboes due to its unique ecosystem, Big Rock Candy Mountain was one of the few places in the U.S. where a bum could stay for many a day and not need any money. Those killed were part of a group of bindlestiffs who had been encamped -- or "jungling" -- near the mountain for several weeks.

The blast, which was some 1,600 times more powerful than the nuclear warhead dropped on Hiroshima, ejected enough confectioner’s sugar to cover the island of Manhattan to a depth of 18 feet and leveled cigarette trees up to 20 miles from the crater. The resulting plume reached a height of 15 miles.

The damage to the environment surrounding the mountain was extensive and the effects will be felt for decades. One lake of stew and one of whiskey, too, were completely destroyed. Experts predict it will take years for milk and honey to return to the area.

The last major eruption of a candy mountain was in 1849 in Hershey, Penn.