Thursday, October 23, 2008

Go directly to gel ...

I was at the Waffle House drinking my coffee and reading the paper the other day when a particular headline caught my eye:

“New Gel May Aid Sex Drive.”

Yep. There’s a new female testosterone gel for menopausal women who have lost interest in sex. About dang time! This opens whole new avenues of dating options for me, Bob.

Now that I’m in my 40s, I was kind of holding out for the girls in their 20s who were dating guys my age when I was their age. Alas, it looks like the pendulum has swung back in favor of the young guys. Turns out, once I get here, 40 is the new 40. And, Bob misses out … again.

But now comes LibiGel, geared toward the woman with a low libido. All she need do is slop a little gel on her upper arm once a day and ha-cha-cha! O.K., it’s not as “topical” an application as I would have imagined. But whatever works.

I’m delighted about this. An estimated 40 million women suffer from some sort of sexual disorder. I've dated about half of them. If LibiGel can fix the other half, I’m back in business. And to the more … mature … woman, I still have a little of my boyish charm. What … mature … woman wouldn’t be drawn to my rakish grin and gray streak that’s not quite as premature as it used to be?

I’m going to get some of this gel. And a little Viagra. Things are going to be better for me, Bob. This time I’m going for that four-hour erection they warn you about on the package. And I’m going to use all four hours. Not spend three hours and fifty-eight minutes watching the clock like last time. Shucks! I may even go into extra innings.

So, I’ll go find me a blue hair, slather some of that new gel on her, pop a Viagra and let ’er ride! And after that four hours, we’ll both slap on a nicotine patch and watch a little “Matlock” on the cable TV.

Yes, sir. Life has suddenly started to look a little better for me, Bob.

Outtakes: “… it’s not quite like popping a cherry, but, I like cherry cobbler, too.” A little too crass for the high standards of this blog.

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