… 15, my oldest niece is too old to enjoy that modest pleasure. We were inseparable when she was little, but now she doesn’t have much time for me. She was a willful little girl, but now I would swear she was the spawn of Satan. I don’t know how to relate to a teen-age female.
I don’t know why she had six. It seems imprudent. I sort of lost interest after the first four or five. (Maybe not four, because four and five were twins.) And I do have trouble remembering names. I told my niece (12 year old) that from now on, I’m just going to start each sentence to the kids with, “Why, you little ...”
____________
Sullen?! Just you wait. It gets worse.
Only my oldest two niece/nephews have begun the puberty thing, though the 12-year-old is wearing a training bra. I don’t know how one would train for something one’s body already knows how to do with no help at all, but I guess it’s one of those female mysteries that I am not privy to yet. I still run across one I haven’t heard about before, now and then.
My nephew (14) has a little peach fuzz mustache and his voice is changing. You can’t help but laugh at him.
I go and play with the kids now and then, but I don’t have the stamina I used to. I don’t know whose idea it was for me to fight all six kids from youngest to oldest, but that one hurt. I can still beat them one-on-one, but if they team up, I’m a goner. I swear they coordinate their attacks with clicks and whistles like some band of aboriginal hunters, and I founder like some luckless mammoth.
Monday, July 25, 2005
Thursday, July 7, 2005
Bob: A Profile
About Me
I enjoy smarties with nice gams, long drives in the breezer and getting bent on bootleg hooch. I’m a heeler, but I still enjoy a night with a Jane at the juice joint if I’ve got the jack. On my next vacation, I am going to the ’20s. Voh-doh-doh-dee-oh-doh.
General
What do I do in my spare time? I like to spend time hanging out with friends being raucous and unruly. I like to write amusing doggerel. I engage in the occasional art project. I sit in bars and talk to folks on the weekend. ... I know the words to stupid songs. I play the harmonica badly. I speak in Muppet and cartoon voices to my cats and they don’t think I’m weird. ... I once would have said I read a great deal, but now I seem to spend a lot of time surfing the Internet and e-mailing people. ... I would love to learn to paint. Sometimes I wish I could sing. I wish I could Charleston or swing dance. Someday I might write the great American novel. ... I’ve always wanted to be voice talent for a cartoon, but now that I’m in a career where that could actually happen, I’m scared to give it a try. ... When I win the lottery, I’m going to build a Victorian house and have people over.
Occupation
Marketing/Communications. I sold out to the Man.
Music
I thrill to the swingin’ sounds of the ’20s.
Movies
I enjoy Harold Lloyd, Buster Keaton, Charlie Chaplin and the like. You don’t see many like them at the flickers these days.
Television
I’m not a devoted TV watcher, but I enjoy SciFi Channel; TVLand; History Channel; Discovery; TLC; Star Trek. The Simpsons makes me titter like a school girl.
Last Great Book I Read
I haven’t read any great books lately. I’ve read a few good ones and a few that failed to gratify my literary yearnings. I enjoyed “K-PAX” by Gene Brewer and “Zod Wallop” by William Browning Spencer for leisure reading. In a more serious mood, I’ll pick up anything by Umberto Eco. Anything that isn’t a proposal or script for a fast food company is always a welcome read.
Heroes
Kermit the Frog and, to a lesser extent, Bugs Bunny. You can imagine my inner turmoil (of course you know, this means war.)
Most Humbling Moment
An American bald eagle, the proud symbol of our great nation, once took a dump on my shoe. I’ve got pictures.
Who I’d Like to Meet
You, if you’re in black and white. And preferably silent.
Best or Worst Lie I’ve Ever Told
I’m in marketing. I don’t lie. I embellish.
I enjoy smarties with nice gams, long drives in the breezer and getting bent on bootleg hooch. I’m a heeler, but I still enjoy a night with a Jane at the juice joint if I’ve got the jack. On my next vacation, I am going to the ’20s. Voh-doh-doh-dee-oh-doh.
General
What do I do in my spare time? I like to spend time hanging out with friends being raucous and unruly. I like to write amusing doggerel. I engage in the occasional art project. I sit in bars and talk to folks on the weekend. ... I know the words to stupid songs. I play the harmonica badly. I speak in Muppet and cartoon voices to my cats and they don’t think I’m weird. ... I once would have said I read a great deal, but now I seem to spend a lot of time surfing the Internet and e-mailing people. ... I would love to learn to paint. Sometimes I wish I could sing. I wish I could Charleston or swing dance. Someday I might write the great American novel. ... I’ve always wanted to be voice talent for a cartoon, but now that I’m in a career where that could actually happen, I’m scared to give it a try. ... When I win the lottery, I’m going to build a Victorian house and have people over.
Occupation
Marketing/Communications. I sold out to the Man.
Music
I thrill to the swingin’ sounds of the ’20s.
Movies
I enjoy Harold Lloyd, Buster Keaton, Charlie Chaplin and the like. You don’t see many like them at the flickers these days.
Television
I’m not a devoted TV watcher, but I enjoy SciFi Channel; TVLand; History Channel; Discovery; TLC; Star Trek. The Simpsons makes me titter like a school girl.
Last Great Book I Read
I haven’t read any great books lately. I’ve read a few good ones and a few that failed to gratify my literary yearnings. I enjoyed “K-PAX” by Gene Brewer and “Zod Wallop” by William Browning Spencer for leisure reading. In a more serious mood, I’ll pick up anything by Umberto Eco. Anything that isn’t a proposal or script for a fast food company is always a welcome read.
Heroes
Kermit the Frog and, to a lesser extent, Bugs Bunny. You can imagine my inner turmoil (of course you know, this means war.)
Most Humbling Moment
An American bald eagle, the proud symbol of our great nation, once took a dump on my shoe. I’ve got pictures.
Who I’d Like to Meet
You, if you’re in black and white. And preferably silent.
Best or Worst Lie I’ve Ever Told
I’m in marketing. I don’t lie. I embellish.
Monday, August 16, 2004
A "Sincere" Letter of Apology
Steve, my old friend,
“To hearken to evil conversation is the road to wickedness.” Have I inadvertently said some evil thing?
I am rank with remorse upon learning that I may have caused you any physical or emotional anguish as a result of any feckless comment I might have made. Any tittle-tattle in the community regarding the alleged purchase of your company ... by your competitor ... is, as far as I am concerned, baseless and unfounded.
I share your outrage that this sort of common talk should be disseminated so widely to vendor, competitor and client alike. Further, I am sickened and dismayed that my name should be attached to this wretched and shameful canard.
As sorrowful as this affair has been, I believe there is a lesson to be learned from it: We must refuse to pander to morbid interest in our neighbors’ fortunes. Now we must pick ourselves up, be sorry, shake ourselves, and go on again.
To borrow a bit of wisdom from Wall Street, “Buy on the rumor; sell on the news.” I’ll wait for the news. And, whatever the outcome, I want to see you basking in the glory of your success.
If I’ve done anything I’m sorry for, I’m willing to be forgiven.
Yours,
S—
Executive Producer
“To hearken to evil conversation is the road to wickedness.” Have I inadvertently said some evil thing?
I am rank with remorse upon learning that I may have caused you any physical or emotional anguish as a result of any feckless comment I might have made. Any tittle-tattle in the community regarding the alleged purchase of your company ... by your competitor ... is, as far as I am concerned, baseless and unfounded.
I share your outrage that this sort of common talk should be disseminated so widely to vendor, competitor and client alike. Further, I am sickened and dismayed that my name should be attached to this wretched and shameful canard.
As sorrowful as this affair has been, I believe there is a lesson to be learned from it: We must refuse to pander to morbid interest in our neighbors’ fortunes. Now we must pick ourselves up, be sorry, shake ourselves, and go on again.
To borrow a bit of wisdom from Wall Street, “Buy on the rumor; sell on the news.” I’ll wait for the news. And, whatever the outcome, I want to see you basking in the glory of your success.
If I’ve done anything I’m sorry for, I’m willing to be forgiven.
Yours,
S—
Executive Producer
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
Best Face Forward
NEW YORK (Reuters) — In a continued effort of “right-sizing,” Jack Morton Worldwide today announced that it would eliminate two of the three faces of its logo. Gone will be “Insight” and “Action,” leaving only “Indifference.”
Increased pressure to meet its financial obligations by its parent, the struggling Interpublic Group of Companies, prompted Jack Morton to make the difficult decision to eliminate two of the three faces of the logo it first presented to the world in 2000.
“For many years, Insight and Action have played a vital role in the success of this company,” says CEO Josh McCall. “I believe Jack Morton still has a strong and dedicated presence poised to meet the challenges of the 21st century armed with Indifference alone.”
“When the economy stabilizes,” Says McCall, “Insight and Action could again become valued aspects of our culture ... after a rigorous interview process.”
Reactions from Jack Morton’s clients are varied. Doug Daft, outgoing Chairman and CEO of The Coca-Cola Company, was heard to comment, “Eh!”
Robert Nardelli, CEO of The Home Depot, released a statement through his attorney stating, “O.K.”
In a similar move in Q3 of 2003, Jack Morton eliminated two of its three values, “Trust, Respect, Agility,” leaving only Agility. Jack Morton Employees exemplified the remaining value by emptying more than 600 offices at an estimated 800 boxes per day in less than a week.
In response to the remaining icon, “Indifference,” Chairman Bill Morton stated, “Whatever!” Founder Jack Morton, contacted at his residence in Florida, was heard to say, “Mammy?”
Charlotte Merrell, Jack Morton’s Executive Vice President of Human Resources, when contacted by our staff, simply laughed.
____________
May 25, 2004
NEW YORK (Reuters) — In a related story, the 600 employees downsized by Jack Morton in 2003 have been reassigned to Interpublic’s flagship company, McCann-Erickson, as receptionists.
Increased pressure to meet its financial obligations by its parent, the struggling Interpublic Group of Companies, prompted Jack Morton to make the difficult decision to eliminate two of the three faces of the logo it first presented to the world in 2000.
“For many years, Insight and Action have played a vital role in the success of this company,” says CEO Josh McCall. “I believe Jack Morton still has a strong and dedicated presence poised to meet the challenges of the 21st century armed with Indifference alone.”
“When the economy stabilizes,” Says McCall, “Insight and Action could again become valued aspects of our culture ... after a rigorous interview process.”
Reactions from Jack Morton’s clients are varied. Doug Daft, outgoing Chairman and CEO of The Coca-Cola Company, was heard to comment, “Eh!”
Robert Nardelli, CEO of The Home Depot, released a statement through his attorney stating, “O.K.”
In a similar move in Q3 of 2003, Jack Morton eliminated two of its three values, “Trust, Respect, Agility,” leaving only Agility. Jack Morton Employees exemplified the remaining value by emptying more than 600 offices at an estimated 800 boxes per day in less than a week.
In response to the remaining icon, “Indifference,” Chairman Bill Morton stated, “Whatever!” Founder Jack Morton, contacted at his residence in Florida, was heard to say, “Mammy?”
Charlotte Merrell, Jack Morton’s Executive Vice President of Human Resources, when contacted by our staff, simply laughed.
____________
May 25, 2004
NEW YORK (Reuters) — In a related story, the 600 employees downsized by Jack Morton in 2003 have been reassigned to Interpublic’s flagship company, McCann-Erickson, as receptionists.
Saturday, September 30, 2000
Correspondence: Fall, 2000
Nine o’clock came and went unnoticed. I put a load of laundry in to dry and one in to wash and played a game of checkers with my niece. Then, off to deal with the vicissitudes of sobriety. My remaining waking hours were a study in tedium. If, as Voltaire said, “Work saves us from three great evils: boredom, vice and need,” so do vice and need save us from boredom. As I had already worked, then eliminated the vice, all that was left was a sense of mind-numbing ennui.
It was after I went to sleep that things took a turn. I suppose at some point my neurons got tired of looking for Jagermeister and tried to find some way to amuse themselves. My unfettered mind started dreaming the dreams of the damned — aliens, mutants, plane crashes, old girlfriends, saving a drowning kitten. Had I been awake, it would more rightly have been called a psychotic episode. From my experience, though, this lasts only a night or two before old patterns re-establish themselves and I’ll sleep like a babe.
How’s the cigarette thing going? Any craziness?
____________
Night two with no Jager. It was like opening the shutters on the window to my soul, allowing an uncomfortable amount of introspection. That’s probably why I don’t do this too often; I see too many wrong choices and too much wasted time. I did think of several things that need to be written as soon as I get my computer fixed. Drop the booze, find the muse, I guess.
____________
A pall has settled over the office as we realize the last UPS pickup is looming before us and we are almost certainly going to miss our deadline with the candy client. It’s time I started working on backup plans to get the stuff to the client, because I know it will come to that. And yet, as I steel myself for a late night of last minutes, I don’t really care about “communicating the functional benefits of hunger satisfaction” ... I just want to take a nap.
It was after I went to sleep that things took a turn. I suppose at some point my neurons got tired of looking for Jagermeister and tried to find some way to amuse themselves. My unfettered mind started dreaming the dreams of the damned — aliens, mutants, plane crashes, old girlfriends, saving a drowning kitten. Had I been awake, it would more rightly have been called a psychotic episode. From my experience, though, this lasts only a night or two before old patterns re-establish themselves and I’ll sleep like a babe.
How’s the cigarette thing going? Any craziness?
____________
Night two with no Jager. It was like opening the shutters on the window to my soul, allowing an uncomfortable amount of introspection. That’s probably why I don’t do this too often; I see too many wrong choices and too much wasted time. I did think of several things that need to be written as soon as I get my computer fixed. Drop the booze, find the muse, I guess.
____________
A pall has settled over the office as we realize the last UPS pickup is looming before us and we are almost certainly going to miss our deadline with the candy client. It’s time I started working on backup plans to get the stuff to the client, because I know it will come to that. And yet, as I steel myself for a late night of last minutes, I don’t really care about “communicating the functional benefits of hunger satisfaction” ... I just want to take a nap.
Thursday, March 9, 2000
Correspondence: March, 2000
March 3, 2000
… I’m looking forward to the exercise from the Frisbee. I want my chest to stick out farther than my stomach like it did when I was in my twenties.
____________
Hey, I’m old! But for a little short guy, I can JUMP!
____________
Actually, I spent quite a bit of time growing up on my aunt’s and uncle’s farm in Tennessee. I was the one that the girls beat up.
____________
Never! (Although I did break a kid’s nose once)
____________
He crossed me, man, so I clocked him in the nose with a rock. He was a couple of years older than me, but he deserved it.
I found out later from his little brother that after the incident he was found getting a .22 out of the garage to come and get me. I defended myself well the first time, but I might not have done as well if the kid was packing heat.
March 9, 2000
I’m about to have lunch with my significant mother to celebrate my 25th birthday. I always celebrate that one because it was good.
____________
That would be keen. It would be good to have some pictures of me on show site to remind my superiors to let me go again. I need to get out there in the real world more; I get that trapped feeling in my little office. So the next time y’all have a meeting, be sure to ask for me by name — accept no substitutes.
____________
The good thing about being a CREATIVE Coordinator is that when you DO goof off you can always claim that you were “ideating.” That gets you points for being creative and extra points for using a buzz-word.
It’s almost time to slip out early and go to Grady’s. I made Pete the bartender card me last night so he would notice my date of birth and give me free drinks tonight. I hope it worked.
____________
Otherwise, all is well here in Atlanta. ... Give my best to everyone down there I know. Ciao! (Or, if you’re from the South, “Cow!”)
… I’m looking forward to the exercise from the Frisbee. I want my chest to stick out farther than my stomach like it did when I was in my twenties.
____________
Hey, I’m old! But for a little short guy, I can JUMP!
____________
Actually, I spent quite a bit of time growing up on my aunt’s and uncle’s farm in Tennessee. I was the one that the girls beat up.
____________
Never! (Although I did break a kid’s nose once)
____________
He crossed me, man, so I clocked him in the nose with a rock. He was a couple of years older than me, but he deserved it.
I found out later from his little brother that after the incident he was found getting a .22 out of the garage to come and get me. I defended myself well the first time, but I might not have done as well if the kid was packing heat.
March 9, 2000
I’m about to have lunch with my significant mother to celebrate my 25th birthday. I always celebrate that one because it was good.
____________
That would be keen. It would be good to have some pictures of me on show site to remind my superiors to let me go again. I need to get out there in the real world more; I get that trapped feeling in my little office. So the next time y’all have a meeting, be sure to ask for me by name — accept no substitutes.
____________
The good thing about being a CREATIVE Coordinator is that when you DO goof off you can always claim that you were “ideating.” That gets you points for being creative and extra points for using a buzz-word.
It’s almost time to slip out early and go to Grady’s. I made Pete the bartender card me last night so he would notice my date of birth and give me free drinks tonight. I hope it worked.
____________
Otherwise, all is well here in Atlanta. ... Give my best to everyone down there I know. Ciao! (Or, if you’re from the South, “Cow!”)
Thursday, June 24, 1999
Correspondence: June 24, 1999
To Various Co-Workers
Date: 06/24/99 11:32
Subject: Robert’s Office
... As you know, I feel some measure of responsibility for Robert and consider that my job of coordinating his affairs continues even when he is out of the office. During the 11:00 rattling of his cabinet, I discovered that the hinges were a little squeaky, so I took some WD-40 and sprayed it liberally over the hinges and deep into the cracks and crevices. I am pleased to report that the cabinet is performing perfectly now. If any other anomalies present themselves during the 12:00 rattling of his cabinet, I will let you know.
Ever vigilant in my endeavor to keep Robert coordinated, I remain
Bob
PS- You were right. Turning on the pretty lights in his office and lighting the candle to symbolically guide him safely back to us has lessened my separation anxiety.
____________
Date: 06/24/99 12:29
Subject: Robert’s Office
... Can you bring me the vacuum? During the 12:00 rattling of the cabinet, I was so intent on discharging my duty swiftly and efficiently that I completely forgot the cookie in my hand. In my haste to prevent the wax from oozing onto Robert’s carpet after I knocked the candle over, I discarded the cookie which somersaulted through the air, banked off Robert’s desk and shattered into a thousand tiny pieces. Normally, I would just turn on the overhead and pick up each crumb in turn, however the crumbs are almost identical in color to the carpet. I feel my only recourse at this time is to bring in the vacuum and vacuum the entire floor just to be sure that each and every morsel is accounted for and absented from Robert’s office before he returns.
____________
Date: 06/24/99 12:41
Subject: Robert’s Office
... You didn’t tell me that the vacuum had a reverse setting. Unfortunately, in my effort to rid Robert’s office of the crumbs, the vacuum, which was set in the aforementioned reverse mode, discharged two cubic feet of dust, hair, and an accumulation of the sloughed off skin cells from everyone in the office. I have gotten the worst of it up, but I may need some help in wiping the layers of dust from the windows, because they’re starting to smear.
PS- Do you think it would be alright if I didn’t dust each of the blinds individually? I think that would take too long for something that, in all likelihood, will never be noticed by anyone.
____________
Date: 06/24/99 14:59
Subject: Robert’s Office
... I think I fixed the squeak, but I can’t get the door to the cabinet back on. Do you know where the toolbox is? If you can find it, I’ll be back here in Robert’s office. Oh — and could you bring the Lysol, too? Thanks!
PS- I got the gum off my shoe, but I can’t get it off Robert’s carpet. Maybe lighter fluid.
____________
Date: 06/24/99 15:29
Subject: Robert’s Office
Yeah, it’s still smoldering, but fortunately I kept my wits about me and poured some Coke on it. Do you think he’ll notice?
____________
Date: 06/24/99 16:10
Subject: Robert’s Office
No, I covered it with a throw rug.
PS- Do we have any glue?
____________
Date: 06/24/99 15:29
Subject: Robert’s Office
I want to thank you for your help with Robert’s office today. I think we got it back in shape, but I’m going to let it air out tonight, anyway.
Date: 06/24/99 11:32
Subject: Robert’s Office
... As you know, I feel some measure of responsibility for Robert and consider that my job of coordinating his affairs continues even when he is out of the office. During the 11:00 rattling of his cabinet, I discovered that the hinges were a little squeaky, so I took some WD-40 and sprayed it liberally over the hinges and deep into the cracks and crevices. I am pleased to report that the cabinet is performing perfectly now. If any other anomalies present themselves during the 12:00 rattling of his cabinet, I will let you know.
Ever vigilant in my endeavor to keep Robert coordinated, I remain
Bob
PS- You were right. Turning on the pretty lights in his office and lighting the candle to symbolically guide him safely back to us has lessened my separation anxiety.
____________
Date: 06/24/99 12:29
Subject: Robert’s Office
... Can you bring me the vacuum? During the 12:00 rattling of the cabinet, I was so intent on discharging my duty swiftly and efficiently that I completely forgot the cookie in my hand. In my haste to prevent the wax from oozing onto Robert’s carpet after I knocked the candle over, I discarded the cookie which somersaulted through the air, banked off Robert’s desk and shattered into a thousand tiny pieces. Normally, I would just turn on the overhead and pick up each crumb in turn, however the crumbs are almost identical in color to the carpet. I feel my only recourse at this time is to bring in the vacuum and vacuum the entire floor just to be sure that each and every morsel is accounted for and absented from Robert’s office before he returns.
____________
Date: 06/24/99 12:41
Subject: Robert’s Office
... You didn’t tell me that the vacuum had a reverse setting. Unfortunately, in my effort to rid Robert’s office of the crumbs, the vacuum, which was set in the aforementioned reverse mode, discharged two cubic feet of dust, hair, and an accumulation of the sloughed off skin cells from everyone in the office. I have gotten the worst of it up, but I may need some help in wiping the layers of dust from the windows, because they’re starting to smear.
PS- Do you think it would be alright if I didn’t dust each of the blinds individually? I think that would take too long for something that, in all likelihood, will never be noticed by anyone.
____________
Date: 06/24/99 14:59
Subject: Robert’s Office
... I think I fixed the squeak, but I can’t get the door to the cabinet back on. Do you know where the toolbox is? If you can find it, I’ll be back here in Robert’s office. Oh — and could you bring the Lysol, too? Thanks!
PS- I got the gum off my shoe, but I can’t get it off Robert’s carpet. Maybe lighter fluid.
____________
Date: 06/24/99 15:29
Subject: Robert’s Office
Yeah, it’s still smoldering, but fortunately I kept my wits about me and poured some Coke on it. Do you think he’ll notice?
____________
Date: 06/24/99 16:10
Subject: Robert’s Office
No, I covered it with a throw rug.
PS- Do we have any glue?
____________
Date: 06/24/99 15:29
Subject: Robert’s Office
I want to thank you for your help with Robert’s office today. I think we got it back in shape, but I’m going to let it air out tonight, anyway.
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