Monday, October 31, 2005

Hallow Pursuits

Part One: Well ...

... tonight’s trick-or-treatmas. I’ve decided I’m just going to stay home with the lights off and avoid those candy-grabbing hooligans. Besides, traffic is *already* a Nightmare Before Christmas. I don’t want to drive in this madness to go anywhere.

I toyed with going to sit at the bar with the rest of the Halloween haters, but I don’t want even the slightest chance of getting spifflicated and having an incident on the way home with herds of children roaming the streets. The last thing I need is to kill little Johnny Invisible Pedestrian while intoxicated.

So I went up to the package store and bought my own “treat.” Nothing beats sitting at home in the dark drinking all by yourself while scores of children claw greedily at your door. Cheers!

So I hope you all have a safe and candiful Halloween. Just like I’m going to have. And if you’re going to drink, drink responsibly. The life you save could be some candy corn-grubbing street urchin’s.

(Ahhh ... when I was young, we’d eat candy corn right off the cob! Oh, don’t listen to me. That’s the “treat” talking.)

God bless us every one.

* * * * * *

haha. get on ur roof and turn ur light on a and when little people pass, throw eggs and shit. good fun.

I drop water balloons filled with ammonia.

My Plan B was to put on a big smile and hand out airplane bottles of Jagermeister.

Or just give the kids spoonsful of Karo syrup like I did last year. How the little tykes loved it! Oh, it warmed my heart!

Part Two: I sure am hungry!

I wish I had about a half pound of Hershey’s Kisses, candy corn and Sweet Tarts to eat!


To learn the history of candy corn, go to: visit your local library.

* * * * * *

... I hate candy corn. And Sweet Tarts. It was mere hyperbole. I’ve never been a real Halloween kind of guy. I just ...

Shhhh ...! I just heard knocking at the door. It’s them! They’ve come ...

Part Three: They’re here!

They’re knocking, knocking, knocking!Go away, children! No candy here! There’s a gingerbread condo in the next complex!


Now where was I?

Part Four: So ...

November 1, 2005

Tuesday, November 1, 2005

What did we all learn from last night?

I learned that if you drink several mugs full of Jagermeister, eventually your brain will turn on you like a rottweiler. My breakfast after last night’s adventure consisted of caffeine, Ibuprofen, antacid and betablockers. I had that fight or flight (mostly flight) feeling all morning. And I’ve been tired all day.

I also learned you don’t patronize your female friends even if you are just kidding. Never mention their chromosomes. Some people are sensitive to that. Leave any sexually inappropriate comments in the workplace where they belong.

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